


Arthur's Journal: The Missing Pages

by Azurejewel



Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)
Genre: Canon Divergence, Courtship, Diary/Journal, F/M, High Honor Arthur Morgan, Mutual Pining, No tuberculosis, Older Man/Younger Woman, Requited Love, Secret Relationship, Voyeurism, no TB
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:02:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 27,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24185584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azurejewel/pseuds/Azurejewel
Summary: When John finally worked up the courage read Arthur's Journal, he notices some pages are missing. He hoped they weren't terribly important. As he takes note of the missing pages, he can't help but wonder what could have been written on them.
Relationships: Tilly Jackson/Arthur Morgan
Comments: 43
Kudos: 97





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi I'm Azurejewel (Also known as the same name on Tumblr), and this is my first story! 
> 
> I decided to write this as I love the Arthur x Tilly ship and feel it doesn't get enough love. Plus I really thought that she was lacking in his journal entries, and often wondered if something was missing.
> 
> This story wouldn't have been possible without the encouragement, support and suggestions from "MarirnersRevenge" also known as "Wynkenblynken" on Tumblr (Please check her out on there as well as her stories on AO3. She's awesome!).
> 
> *Note: I'm not American so I have written the dates, and possibly certain words in a British format, out of habit :)*
> 
> The fic is currently ongoing.

His curiosity began to cross into an overwhelming territory. It had been a few weeks since various belongings had been graciously left in his possession, and John was going stir crazy wondering what manner of things he'd find within that well used, leather bound journal. 

He finally caved in and scoured through the journal. Most of it wasn’t a surprise to John, various mentions of Arthur’s failed relationship with Mary, many profanities directed towards Micah, and of course a few entries showing Arthur's annoyance towards him, in the earlier days.

He couldn’t help but smile at the thought of them being at each other's throats, before they discovered there was so much more to worry about. 

After inspecting the journal further, John took note of the fact that several pages had been carefully torn out. This made him contemplate. After all it’s not as though Arthur had any trouble saying what was on his mind. That much was obvious, with the numerous mentions of him being a “little bastard” in Arthur’s eyes.

_ “What on earth could he have torn out?” _

John pondered to himself...

* * *

_ 6th June 1898 _

_ Been a busy week… _

_ Dutch got me running around like a headless chicken.Trying to get me to make him money as usual. It gets tiring. The only thing stopping me from just uppin' and leaving, is her…  _

_ Tilly❤️ _

_ Seeing her when I come back to camp, makes it all the worthwhile.  _

_ Been staring at her a ton lately, but my god I can't help it!  _

_ Don't wanna stop, but… I also don't wanna make her feel uncomfortable. Having an old ugly bastard like me creeping on her can't make her feel good.  _

_ Why does she have to be so goddamn beautiful!?  _

_ A goddess.  _

* * *

_ 14th June 1898 _

_ Had the opportunity to spend more time at the camp, and it's been a blessing and a curse all at the same time.  _

_ Driving myself wild, by being around her.  _

_ It's the little things… _

_ Just a hint of her perfume oil ignites something fierce in my blood. I feel like I’m going crazy. _

_ Yet it soothes me, all at the same time... Making me wish I could delight in her embrace every day.  _

_ The way she saunters past me with that sweet yet mischievous look in her eyes, as she greets me.  _

_ How she always finds a way to look more beautiful, as time goes on.  _

_ That woman has no idea what she's doing to me. Or maybe she knows. Something tells me she has another side to her, that she wishes to let loose. _

_ Like a caged bird wishing to soar through the skies and be carefree.  _

_ I wish she could experience that, and be her true self one day… _


	2. Chapter 2

_ 16th June 1898 _

_ Managed to get out of camp for a bit. Just time to myself and not chasing after Dutch's dreams.  _

_ Came across some interesting loot. Found a decorative hair comb. Might gift it to Tilly, as I remember overhearing her talking about how her hair wouldn't stay in place easily. Sounds like it's a bit of a struggle for her to maintain, while riding with a gang.  _

_ I've always admired her curls from afar... It's just so unique to me _

_ I dunno why, but I just feel it would look real nice in her hair, make it look all the more unique. She's a real fine woman.  _

_ How in the hell am I going to give it to her, without looking like a creep!?  _

_ Anyway, no matter what I do I hope she will like it.  _

_Just wanna see her face light up. It always makes me happy._

* * *

_ 17th June 1898 _

_ Gave Tilly that comb. Thankfully she loved it! _

_ My god I was a nervous wreck, but I think I managed to stay calm. Don't wanna be to direct and ruin whatever it is we have between us.  _

_ Watching her face light up just warmed up my cold heart. It was the sweetest thing I saw in a long time.  _

_ She got so excited and flustered! Told me she wanted to try it straight away… She err.. Even asked for my help to put it in her hair.  _

_ By that point I reckon I was a mess. It seemed to last for a lifetime. I probably stood WAY too close to her, than what was needed. She didn't recoil away from me though.  _

_ Her curls felt so soft, as I tried my best to put the comb in. I hope to god I didn't hurt her while I did it... _

_ She looked mighty pretty with it. Complimented her beauty.  _


	3. Chapter 3

_ 23rd June 1898  _

_Got a pretty solid lead a few days ago, for a stagecoach carrying a lot of money._

_We managed to pull off the job without any real problems yesterday, and Dutch decided we ought to celebrate._

_My memory is hazy, but I feel I let the drink get the better of me and fear I may have made a fool of myself. When will I learn…_

_I recall following Tilly around like a lovesick puppy, tryin' to sit close to her and talk to her every opportunity I could get!_

_Watchin' her like a gaping fish out of water, as she brought a beer bottle to her lips, slowly. Oh, you creepy old bastard Morgan! I should be ashamed of myself._

_Even worse though… I vaguely remember nearly risking it all and trying to kiss her in the heat of my drunken state...and of all the times to try and pull a dumb move, I do it while she's trying to haul my sorry self back to my tent, to sleep it off._

_I'm such an fool. She don't need me tryin' to slobber all over her!_

_Luckily, I came to my senses and pulled away before she even noticed… I… I think! Oh god I hope she didn't notice._

_She ain't scolded me for it this mornin', yet!_

_I feel she's been looking at me mighty strange. Yet I have no idea if it is on account of me being a drunken moron, or if she really hasn't noticed and I'm imagining things._

_Time will tell I guess._

* * *

  
  


_30th June 1898_

_I am awfully confused._

_Ever since I acted like a dumb moron at that party, Tilly's been glimpsing at me a lot more. Probably thinking what a fool I am, or how I'm mighty strange. The thing is… She don't seem angry, and she hasn't been avoidin' me, but she also ain't acting like her usual friendly self… I mean she still has been friendly, but it's different._

_I dunno, I could have sworn she's been a little more "handsy" with me. Things like, she'd brush her fingers over my hand, whenever I pass her somethin'. Or when we were just talking, s-she err put her hand on my thigh and just… held it there whenever she laughed. Whew! During those moments she just had this… Intense gaze._

_I'm ashamed to admit, I didn't know how to act. I just looked at her like a confused dog._

_I mean, I liked it! I really did, but maybe she's just actin' like this outta pity?_

  
  


_She ain't spoken to me about what I did so maybe she just wants to forget it, or thankfully ain't noticed. I think it's best I don't press the matter and leave her be, as she would have outwardly told me if she noticed, right?_

_Women confuse me to no end I'm afraid. No wonder why I've been alone for so long, can't even tell if Tilly wants me or not._


	4. Chapter 4

_ 20th July 1898  _

_These last few weeks have been…Trying to say the least._

_These moments with Tilly have been happenin' more often, and it makes me wonder, if she knows what she's doing._

_Told me she wanted to go out and look for leads in town, and asked if I wanted to accompany her._

_Couldn't though as Dutch had other plans for me. As usual. Sometimes I wish I could do my upmost to avoid him._

_Turns out she must have went shopping while out, cause when I returned she wanted to talk to me, and… Jesus...the blouse she was wearing! All I could manage to muster up was "I like your blouse. It looks good on you." Like a goddamn dumbass. She didn't even make a hint at her buying a new item, and I just blurted that out!_

_Of course.. I noticed, on account of how much I've been watching her._

_I remember it pretty vividly… Form fitting cotton blouse, unbuttoned… Dangerously low. Looked like it would become mighty sheer, when wet…_

_Shit… Cool it Morgan_

_What a goddamn mess I was! I tried to not stare, but every time I attempted to show her some dignity and not look ( like a dirty old bastard) … There she WAS… Bending over to pick something up, o-or sitting down in front of me while I stood at the camp fire!_

_I did try… I really did._

_The whole day I had to find inventive ways to hide my excitement! Sitting down and leaning forward, carrying a bale of hay, lower than I usually would… That kinda thing._

_It drove me mad when she was, bendin' over while doing the laundry...her blouse got wet and clung close to her breast… Fuck._

  
  


_If it weren't me suffering, it would be down right comical!_

_I hope to god no one saw it, they'd never let me live it down._

_*Sigh* The weeks continued in this extremely TRYING manner, and she was still VERY "handsy"..._

_Every time she touches my thigh like that.. It just sends shivers up and down my spine… that woman is gonna make become fully undone!_

_The more she touches me… the more I ache for her… and that could become a real problem for me, considering I don't want to make her uncomfortable._

_It… It's been so long, since I've felt the urge to touch myself. Usually I just try to keep busy and ignore any urges. Get my mind outta that thought pattern, and out of the gutter...but the mere thought of her, is making it… Hard._

* * *

  
  


_ 21st July 1898  _

_I'm so goddamn embarrassed._

_Got myself overly excited...while thinkin’ back in my journal yesterday._

_My lord!_

_I went to sleep, and had such wild dreams! Erotic, in nature…_

_Woke up in the middle of the night...I can’t believe i'm writing this. Woke up to find my dreams excited me more than I thought…_

_I ain’t some teenager, catching his first glimpse under a skirt!!_

_Thankful that I had a rag close by._


	5. Chapter 5

_23rd July 1898_

_Sweet jesus, imma bout to lose my mind!_

_Arrived back at camp and was in the process of settin’ my things down at the back of my tent._

_Needed to off load everythin’ as it was too damn hot, to be carrying around._

_Tilly, sweet lil thing she is, wanted to say hi. Came walking over...ain’t gonna lie, I was pleased to see her after being out of camp for a while._

_Anyway._

_I guess there was too much mess around my wagon as she somehow ended up trippin’...fell right into me!_

_Luckily I caught her...b-but in the heat of the moment...I misjudged greatly how close she was to me. Or what she was wearing for that matter!_

_Fuck me…_

_I just felt her body brush up against me. Felt like she was wearing nothin’ judging by how light her dress was…_

_She just looked at me all shy and then looked down avoidin' my gaze. She apologised so quietly, I almost didn't hear it and then she was gone…_

_I... on the other hand….just watched her saunter off, hard as a rock, and just rubbin’ myself through my pants without bein’ fully aware of it, like the camp pervert!_

_Put a stop to it once I came to my senses._

_The day was too damn hot…_

* * *

  
  
  


_25th July 1898_

_Got up late this morning…_

_Something happened and I...I feel so disgusted with myself._

_Yesterday, seemed like it would be a boring day. How WRONG I was!_

_Decided I should help out around the camp a bit more, seein’ as how I usually am runnin’ some kind of errand and or out huntin’._

_These lazy sods... can’t even do any real work around here! They seem to aspire to be just like Uncle!_

_Felt like workin’ up a sweat and got to choppin’ some wood. Luckily, the heat weren’t too sweltering. I think I'm quite thankful for that, otherwise I’d have had to take my shirt off while while doin’ chores. I ain’t about to do that anytime soon, bein’ in a camp full of these degenerates._

_I can just hear the “tough guy” comments from Sean…Little Irish bastard._

_Anyway... a few swings into it, I noticed Tilly sittin’ behind her wagon reading a book. Don’t know how long I was gawpin’ at her for, as she looked up...and caught me starin'. She must have been feelin’ mighty lonely, as she smiled and waved me over._

_Considering I’ve been feeling a ...heat for her...I, of course made my way over. Couldn’t even recall the moment my legs started moving. One blink...and there I was._

_Pretty little thing invited me to sit with her. Said she wanted some company. So I gave it to her...and we spoke._

_Made fun of Bill obviously! Seems to be one of her favourite past times._

_Regardless, she seemed to find it so amusin’. Laughed so hard she was in tears._

_Felt real proud of myself!_

_I guess Hosea was right when he kept sayin’ “Pride comes before a fall”..._

_Turns out, I didn’t notice her goin’ to touch my thigh again. I was too busy shifting myself in the seat to get comfortable...then it happened._

_Holy fuck…_

_Her hand seemed to completely miss its mark… landed right on my dick...We both stared at each other before she moved her hand off me._

_Fuck._

_I wish she kept it there, the thought of her hand on me... The thought of me warmin’ her bed for the night…I almost grabbed her right there and then, if John hadn’t come around the corner of the wagon to start fixin’ it._

_Greasy bastard saved me._

_She ended up jumpin’ away from me like I was a snake, and excused herself._

_Part of me wanted to punch him for interruptin’. Even though he stopped me from makin’ a fool of myself, and I should thank him...I settled for kicking over his tool box instead._

_Couldn’t stop thinkin’ about how her hand felt against me, for the rest of the day and well into the night._

_Once, in my tent...It err...all became too much for me to handle, I'm afraid. I just couldn't take it no more!_

_Decided to take care of my urges, and touch myself that night. Imagined it was her hand strokin’ all of me…_

_I wanted her scent in my bed...I wanted to feel the heat of her on my body._

_I want to make her scream my name...Damn if the others heard!_

_Came so hard thinkin’ about her, I swear I went blind for a few seconds..._

_What the hell is wrong with me! I feel so ashamed of myself, but holy shit...did I need it!_

_You dirty old bastard..._


	6. Chapter 6

_ 30th July 1898  _

_Camp seems to be in high spirits lately. So much so that Dutch insisted we have another party. Spouted on about “Being free”, or somethin’ along those lines. If I’m being honest I stopped listenin’ to him a few minutes in._

_He seems to talk a lot of nonsense, but sometimes it’s best to nod and pretend you agree with him...act dumb, that kinda thing._

_Some of the boys went to town, and got the essentials... Lots of liquor!_

_On that basis alone, I knew my night was gonna be very interestin’._

_We all got so drunk, that we could hardly stand no more. Uncle and Sean ended up passing out while huggin’!_

_DEFINITELY made sure I made mental note of that!. Had to rib Sean about that in the mornin’._

_Little shit._

_All night, I made sure to keep Tilly in my sights...always finding a way to just be near her, without interruptin’ her time with the other girls._

_Lots of lingering looks between the two of us...Well...maybe it was just me being too creepy .I don’t know… but I made sure I was around, in case she needed me._

_At some point, Grimshaw ended up needlin’ her,even though it was a party!_

  
  


_Lil’ sweet thing, looked at me as if pleadin’ for me to help her escape. I was more than happy to oblige._

_Made an excuse of needin’ Tilly to settle a debate between me and one of the boys.Some crap about who had the better horse due to their ball size._

_Grimshaw seemed convinced and let her go…( Wait? Does she really see me as being that immature or somethin’ to buy that excuse?)_

_Managed to slip out of sight with her, and ended up sitting near a tree at the edge of camp, just listening to the party._

_Sweet thing looked so relieved...Glad I could help._

_It was real nice to have some time with her….looking up at the stars. The party was getting WAY too rowdy for my liking. I’m getting old._

_Saw John and Javier acting’ like a pair of fools, and was gonna make a joke about it to Tilly, but after turnin’ to her I just froze…_

_She looked so goddamn beautiful in the moonlight._

_Don’t know which one of us made the first move, but all restraint was lost..._

_It was such an intoxicating kiss._

_Perfect in every way. I couldn’t have asked for more...but then she gave me more, and straddled my lap._

_We both greedily touched any piece of skin we could get. I still tried my hardest not to go all in, but it was a real challenge._

_She was wearing her thin cotton blouse again... Could feel her hard nipples right through the material, as I held her close. Couldn’t get the thought of sucking and licking them out of my head. Making her moan..._

_She must have been real excited too, as she unbuttoned my shirt, and pushed my suspenders off in the heat of it all. Slipped her hands right in..._

_Having her caressin’ my chest like that, just drove me wild. I expressly remember my pants feelin’ mighty tight..._

_Got even more heated and before I knew it, she started rolling her hips! Thought I’d died and gone to heaven!_

_She did it again, and again and again...Couldn’t help myself and grabbed her ass to assist her. Fuck it felt so good! Sure was happy that I was still kissin’ her, and our moans were somewhat muffled._

_I have no clue how long it went on for, but I snapped out of my trance once I felt her body tense, followed by a lengthy shudder. Her legs shakin’ around me…_

_I just watched her in awe. There’s just somethin’ I love about watchin’ a woman experience intense pleasure like that. She looked so beautiful._

_Turns out she must have come to her senses too, as she just stared at me...All wide eyed and shocked. Told me, “I’m sorry...I had too much to drink...” then proceeded to frantically look around._

_Feel we both forgot how easily we could have got caught...we were still dangerously close to the camp, for christ's sake..._

_Didn’t take long for her to run off back to her tent. While I just sat there confused about what happened. Followed by a pang of sadness._

_Did she want it? Was she admittin’ it was a mistake brought on by liquour? Was she ashamed of being with me?..._

_I wish I had the answer to these questions._

_Even if I can’t figure out if she regretted it, I at least took some pleasure in knowing she enjoyed herself, due to the wet spot she left on my pants._

_That night I returned to my tent and had to bite down on my pillow to muffle my shouts as I gripped myself. I clearly needed to release._

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


_ 4th September 1898  _

_I’ve been extremely busy for these last few weeks. Always on some money making scheme, or having to threaten folk, for that snake Strauss._

_Ain’t really had the chance to write, and I missed it...so here I am._

_Been quite uneventful between me and Tilly. I mean...we still talk and are courteous to each other, but...we ain’t spoke about what happened between us, and we have avoided touchin’ each other. Keep our distance, in a way._

_I think about her everyday…_

_I’d give anythin’ to be able to go to her, feel her touch and return to the closeness we had developed...but I can’t. She clearly regretted what happened, and I ain’t ever gonna force a woman to be with me. Clearly I took advantage of her at the party due to my pining of her._

_You fool, Morgan!_

_Why can’t I do anything right?_


	7. Chapter 7

_ 14th September 1898  _

_Things between me and Tilly were still...strange for a while. I couldn’t quite place what it was but I’d sometimes catch her starin’ at me, but she wouldn’t approach. I just wanted to walk right over to her and kiss her deeply. Couldn’t though as I was still unsure of how she felt, about all of this, and didn’t want to pressure her._

_The thing is...even though we both kept our distance...All I could smell is her perfume, and it drove me crazy. Her presence was there, but I couldn’t be nearby._

_I had to get out of the camp! Clear my head. Having her so close, and not being able to be with her was difficult. Heart breaking even..._

_Decided it would be a good idea to go to a lake not too far away. I could relax and watch the world go by. Maybe even take a dip to cool down._

_Headed to my tent to collect that I needed, and then I was on my way. Just me and nature..._

_Well...I took my time and got to the lake. I was in the process of getting undressed, when I heard splashing nearby. Even saw a dress laying on a rock._

_Was about to cut and run, until I took a closer look at it...It was Tilly’s dress…No doubt._

_She was wearing it earlier in the day, and I could see no sign of her in the camp when I was ready to leave._

_I don’t know why I did it, but I looked to see where she was…_

_She was standin’ in the deep water... nude. With her back to me and her hair loose._

_No clue what I was expectin’, I mean...she was bathing..but I was still surprised to see her like that._

_Came to my senses a bit and decided to turn away, and stand behind a tree. Give her the privacy she deserved._

_Told myself that I’d just stand here to keep an eye out for her. To make sure she was safe...or so I tried to convince myself. I don’t know what the hell I was thinkin’!_

_I was ashamed of myself at that moment, if i'm honest...but I still stayed._

_Decided to light a cigarette and listened to her humming a song...I could have listened to her all day, with how relaxing it was._

_Her humming changed though._

_Became real ‘breathy’ and louder. Thought somethin’ was wrong, or she was in trouble.. so I naturally peeked from behind the tree, to see what was up._

  
  


_I was stunned!_

_Sweet Mother of God!_

_She was e-err...Pleasuring herself on the shallows of the lake! Ended up snapping my damn cigarette in half at the sight of her._

  
  


_I….I couldn’t take my eyes off her! Every part of her was beautiful, and my body no doubt reacted…_

_I tried to ignore the strain against my pants...tell myself I was disgustin’ for getting excited...but I gave in and started to rub myself through my pants. I just couldn’t help it, nor could I look away!_

_Watchin’ her caress her body, and rubbin’ herself drove me wild...Ended up givin’ in and opened up my pants...Let myself spring free, and stroked myself firmly._

_Kept watchin’ like a damn perv, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop. Wished I was right there with her. Giving her the pleasure she so sorely needed...but I had to settle for watchin’ from afar. She didn’t want me no how._

_At some point slid her fingers inside of herself, and really started to enjoy herself! Her moans got me even harder, and I started to rub myself more vigorously!_

_Fuck, it felt amazing. Imagined that with every pump of her fingers, it was me thrustin’ deep and hard into her!_

_I was close…_

_She clearly was close to her climax too, as her breathin’ became even more laboured._

_Clearly got way too into it, as I remember mutterin’ to myself “That’s right sweetheart..come for me”. Obviously she didn’t know I was there and wasn’t thinkin’ about me, like I was with her, but it just slipped out. Like it was natural._

_We came hard._

_Recalled her mutterin’ somethin’ too at the same time, but in the heat of us both climaxin’, I hadn’t realised what she said at that moment in time._

_Once I came down from my high though...It hit me._

_She called out my name…_

_Damn near shit myself, thinkin’ that I was caught and she was confrontin’ me...but no she called for me, as she released._

_She was thinkin’ of me...as I was her._

_She wanted me, as I wanted her this whole time. I could hardly believe it..._

_Oh I was a goddamn fool! All this time she wasn’t messin’ with me or ashamed of what happened between us...she was just shy!_

_I just stood there with my mouth gaped like the prized fool, before I figured it would be best to slip away before I really did get caught._

_I needed to sort all of this out, talk to her and tell her how I really felt…_

_She wanted me! ❤️_

* * *

  
  
  


_ 15th September 1898  _

_I woke up feelin’ amazin’ and ready to take on the world! After finally figurin’ out Tilly felt the same way about me, I was just in a great mood._

_I thought of all the ways I could confess my feelin’s to her...wanted it to be somethin’ special...she is special to me._

_I couldn’t do it in camp. Privacy is a rarity and a luxury around here...This needed to just be between us._

_Found her pourin’ herself a cup of coffee. Didn’t realise how nervous I actually was, until I approached her and she gave me a soft smile. A small part of me felt like I should run away and hit the breeze….go hide under my bed or somethin’...but that very same soft smile, kept my feet firmly grounded in place._

_Asked her if she wanted to take a ride with me, and to my relief she said yes! Was actually quite taken aback, by how quickly she agreed._

_We gathered some supplies, and we were off._

_Took her to a field of flowers that I had come across a few weeks ago. I thought it was real pretty at the time, and reckoned it would be fittin’ to bring her there. Just me and her..._

_I took her hands in mine, and poured my heart out to her. Told her how beautiful she is, and that I loved her...that I’d been wishin’ I could hold her close to me for a long time._

_Damn, was I nervous! Still...I asked her... pretty little thing that she is, if she’d allow me to court her._

_She asked if I was sure that’s what I wanted, as people ain’t very open minded towards love like ours...told her that I was certain and wanted her in anyway she was comfortable. That I’d give her all of me...even if she changed her mind, and didn't want me no more…_

_We just stood there for a few moments, looking each other in the eyes...god her eyes were amazing. She ended up saying yes! I was elated!_

_I kissed her. Slowly and I savoured every moment of it._

_Was so lost in myself, I forgot that I had a gift for her that I acquired weeks ago. I had hoped to give it to her a while ago, but...all that doubtin’ was going on between us._

_It was one of those locket type necklaces in the shape of a heart...Saw it when rummaging through a chest, and just thought of her._

_Gave it to her and she looked so touched...as if she had never been given somethin’ like that before. It saddened me in a way. She deserved the world. Made a mental note to give her that and so much more…_

_The day was perfect...I finally had my girl, and she had me. Always. ❤️_


	8. Chapter 8

_ 10th October 1898  _

_Been a couple of weeks since I asked Tilly to be mine but, unfortunately I ain’t really been able to find the time to be alone with her. Damn Dutch and his “leads.” He’s convinced that this is gonna be “THE BIG ONE!” But. The last few have also been the big one, so I ain’t really too sure about that._

_Well. I needed to be there for my girl, so I decided to surprise her with tickets to a show. Sweet thing lit up with excitement when I flashed her the tickets and whispered in her ear to get ready._

_She had mentioned to me a while ago that she had never been to the theatre and wished one day that she could go. I told myself I’d give her the world, so she was gonna get her wish._

  
  


_Had to make up an excuse for Dutch and Hosea. Said I was gonna go out and scope more leads for this job and that Tilly would be a useful addition in this instance… Dutch barely even looked up from the map he was plannin’ on and gave me the go ahead._

_I don’t think I really convinced Hosea. Considerin’ the knowin’ look he gave me. He’s too smart and observant for me to hide anythin’ from him! He gave me the go ahead too anyway._

_Besides, I probably weren't subtle enough if I'm honest. Made a bit more of an effort in my appearance than I usually do. Even applied some pomade! Wanted to look my best for her._

_I went to set up the wagon and she ended up meetin’ me over there. She looked so goddamn beautiful! A real fine lady! Told her so and she replied that I looked handsome._

_Never blushed so hard in my goddamn life! I really liked it though._

_Had to unfortunately tear my eyes away from her, otherwise we’d have been there until nightfall. Got on the wagon and we were on our way. Made sure to give her a kiss once we were away from the prying eyes of the camp. I was lookin’ forward to that kiss all day._

_Got to the theatre and I was as gentlemanly with her as possible. Helped her off the wagon, offered her my arm, held the door open for her. That sorta thing._

_She deserved the best version of me that I could possibly offer._

_We found our seats but had a few minutes before the show started. She never brought up the topic but I felt the need to explain that I wasn’t tryin’ to hide the fact that we were courtin’ from the camp. I just really thought she’d value privacy as she’s a more reserved lady. Plus part of me still thought she was way too good for me; so I wanted to spare her the embarrassment._

_Told her that when she was comfortable I’d show her off to the world! She’s aint made to be hidden in the shadows._

_Sweetheart said she didn’t take it in a wrong way, that what was between us was still new, that she wanted me all to herself for a lil while longer. Felt like the luckiest man alive in that moment._

_The show began but I couldn’t help watchin’ her instead. The wonderment on her face durin’ the act warmed my heart._

_Thought I’d try my luck and put my arm around her...she let me and I was in utter bliss._

_The show ended at some point and she got so excited explaining to me how she loved the experience and was amazed by the magic act. Even though she figured out how they were done._

_I just stared at her with admiration, likely with a big dumb smile on my face._

_She ended up lookin’ embarrassed. Said sorry that she was talkin’ too much._

_I assured her she wasn’t with a kiss...Told her that I was overjoyed that she had fun!_

_She said my company made it so much better!_

_I never thought I could be so happy!_

_I could get used to more of this “alone time.”_

* * *

_16th October 1898 _

_Pearson asked me to bring him some herbs for the stew. Said he needed particular ones, and that I was the only one capable of finding some with the best quality._

_Don’t know why he bothers! Any additions he adds to the stew don’t make it taste no better! A camp cook that don’t even know how to cook!_

_Only agreed to it as Tilly was close by and I wanted to find anyway I could to impress her._

_Why did I think pickin' herbs would impress her? I don't know. I am a fool in love and would do anythin’ for more of her approval, compliments and affection. I ain’t even ashamed!_

_Regardless, me acceptin’ this errand turned out to be a blessin’ in disguise as I happened to come across a mighty pretty field filled with wildflowers._

_I think it’d be a lovely place to bring Tilly. We’ve been out in town a couple more times after the theatre. I figure she’ll appreciate a change of scenery. Especially one that’s so pretty._

_I’ll bring her here on our next outin’._

* * *

_ 20th October 1898  _

_Ended up bringin’ Tilly to that field I found a few days ago. She loved it!_

_Had to find a way to drag her away from Grimshaw’s grip. Told her that I needed to borrow her for more scoutin’ for leads. That we’d be back later. She didn’t seem too happy about it, but let me take her._

_I really wish she’d go easy on her, and the other women as well. She can be overly harsh sometimes. Maybe I should have a word?_

_When I managed to get her away, I tried to subtly tell her I had a surprise for her._

_Once again, I fear I weren’t as subtle as I thought! As there was Hosea who seemingly appeared from nowhere, sippin’ coffee with a shit eatin’ grin on his FACE. Watchin’ us!_

_Too damn perceptive for his own good! I was gonna attempt to explain, but gave up midway. Shrugged at him with a smile. No point, as he already figured it out. He just gave a nod and he was gone._

_We had nothin’ to worry about anyway. We both knew we could trust Hosea to keep us a secret, until we were ready to let everyone else know._

_Both of us ended up rushing out of there not long after. Not before gatherin’ some supplies._

_We got there, and she exclaimed that it was beautiful! Told her it was even more beautiful, now that she was here… Never seen her get so shy before, but it was real sweet. Couldn’t resist pullin’ her into an embrace._

_Holdin’ her just soothed my soul._

_Turns out we weren’t alone, as there happened to be some Elk grazin’ nearby. A calf seemed to be quite curious and approached her. She was so taken with it, that she reached out and stroked it!_

_Got real nervous thinkin’ that the mother would charge at us, and I’d have to put the poor thing down in front of Tilly. Luckily, they seemed to be at ease in our presence, and the calf ran off back to it’s mama not long after, anyway._

_Watchin’ her get so enamored with the calf made me fall for her even more...if that’s even possible!_

_Wanted to be real romantic and picked the prettiest flower I could find. Put it tenderly in her hair and ran my fingers down her pretty face. She was magnificent. Truly._

_So much so, I couldn’t control myself and kissed her...deeply._

_I had to stop myself before it went too far. I didn’t want to rush into being truly...intimate with her. Would have been too soon. I wanted her to know that I was serious about her. That I wasn’t just courtin’ her to get under her skirt. Especially because of what happened between us while at the edge of camp._

_I’d be lyin’ if I said I wasn’t lookin’ forward to it. But. I wanted to show her the respect she deserved. I mean, I watched her pleasure herself in the river and that was wrong of me as it was a private moment. Nonetheless I deeply respect her._

_Do I regret it though? It’s hard to say. I’d never have known how she felt about me if I weren’t there. I wouldn’t have been able to be with her, like I was today._

_Still, it may be best to tell her one day that I was there. I’m not fond of keepin’ secrets from her._

_We stayed for a while and decided to head back to camp once the stars came out. The whole ride back, she had the sweetest smile on her face, and cuddled up close to me._

_I can say with an almost certainty, that I did not regret it one bit._

_She ended up keeping that flower in her hair, for as long as she could. Made sure to go back again when I was able and picked two more flowers._

_This time I made sure I preserved them in some jars. Gave one to Tilly and kept the other for myself. Put it next to the flower I picked to remember my Ma._


	9. Chapter 9

_ 24th October 1898  _

_Whenever I’ve been away from the camp for a number of days, I start missin’ Tilly somethin’ fierce. I know that it ain’t possible to always bring her along with me, so I figured the next best thing would be a picture of her. That way I’d be able to see her beautiful smilin’ face to brighten my day, no matter where I was._

_Thinkin’ about her makes my heart swell._

_Asked her to accompany me to a photography parlour and she seemed to really be into the idea. She said it’d be fun as well as sweet, to get a picture of us together . That was enough for me to get excited for the day ahead._

_We arrived in front of the photography parlour and I told Tilly I’d just head in to see how much it cost. That I’d be back in a minute. Turns out it was probably for the best._

_Asked the owner how much it’d cost to take a few pictures of me and my lady._

_Bastard had the gall to peer over my shoulder at Tilly, and tell me that he don’t let “her kind” in._

_Glad Tilly didn’t have to hear that crap. I want to protect her in every way I can. No one is goin’ to treat her like that if I can help it!_

_Took everythin’ in me to try and have some composure due to Tilly watchin’ from outside, but I made sure to let him know that if he didn’t let her in I’d have no problem slittin’ his throat, and then apologising to my lady for my actions._

_He ended up seein’ things on my terms._

_I went back outside to get her and brought her in. Glared at the owner to make sure he knew that if he made one wrong move, I’d make good on my promise._

_In regards to Tilly I don’t play games when her safety is on the line._

_Ended up takin’ a lot of lovely pictures. To see her so happy made it all worth it._

_Settled for a picture of us linkin’ arms and smilin’ like lovesick teenagers at the camera._

_Told the photographer he’d also be takin’ a picture of her by herself. That this picture would no charge._

_He complied._

_He had no choice in the matter._

_It ended up being beautiful! A simple little picture of her lookin’ into the distance with the sweetest smile on her face._

_I made sure to put it in the cover of my pocket watch. To have her near me always._

_She loved the one of us together, gushed over it the whole ride back._

_I ended up going back the next day to get one of just me. I got my picture, and robbed the bastard owner for good measure. He didn’t have much but it was worth it to ensure I inconvenienced him in some way. God it felt good!_

_When I got back to camp I asked Tilly if she wanted to go on a picnic and she agreed._

_Got to a nice field and set everythin’ up. I told her I had somethin’ for her and presented her with the picture I got of myself . Her eyes lit up and my heart warmed._

_I told her that I got it done so that if I was ever away from camp and she felt lonely, she could look at it for comfort. That I’d be doing the same with my photograph of her._

_She told me that I was “The Sweetest” and rewarded me with a kiss. I put it in the locket I gifted her. She hadn’t taken it off since I gave it to her and that made me smile._

_The rest of our day was perfect. Being in her company brought me immense joy._

  
  


* * *

_ 11th November 1898  _

_The changes in the trees has been mighty breaktakin’! I really stopped and took note of it when Tilly mentioned how pretty everythin’ looked on the ride back from one of our courtships._

_She really showed so much admiration for the scenery. So much so that I planned to take her out to some really astounding woodlands nearby._

_We’d been stuck in the camp for far too long and not much had been goin’ on, so I figured it would be somethin’ she’d enjoy._

_I was goin’ to treat her in anyway possible. Whatever she wanted I’d make sure she got it._

_Went to go find Hosea and ask him if he’d be alright with me and her getting out of camp for a day or two. Had a feeling I’d get some kind of smug look from him. He sure did like to tease me whenever possible. Probably payback for when I was younger and a little shit!_

_Sure enough, he ended up smirkin’ at me and called over Miss Grimsshaw to ask if any of the girls were needed for the next couple of days. To my relief she said that there wasn’t much to do, so she didn’t need them._

_She left and Hosea made a point to tell not to do anythin’ he wouldn’t do. His smug demeanor didn’t falter one bit! As expected._

_Tried my hardest to not smirk like a dumbass, but sadly I failed._

_Started to pack some things onto a small wagon, and then pulled Tilly aside. Told her to pack some clothes for a day or two as we’d be takin’ a little trip. Poor thing looked confused at first, but I had no doubt that her confusion would turn to astonishment when we reached our destination the next day._

_We ended up sneakin’ out in the dead of night to avoid the pryin’ eyes of the camp._

_The ride there was peaceful. Having her lean into me while hummin’ softly was pleasant and soothin’. If I could live the rest of my days with her like this, it’d be more than enough to be truly happy._

_We arrived just as the day broke. When I woke her up, she just gasped in wonderment!_

_She said the trees looked magical. Like it was outta some sort of fairytale._

_It was quite beautiful if I’m honest. Reds, yellows and oranges for as far as the eye could see!_

_We just rode through sharing stories and laughin’ until our bellies ached. I wished it could have lasted forever._

_Nature had other plans for us though as it started to snow. Lightly at first. We weren’t really dressed for snow, so we figured it would be best to move on from the area._

_On the way out the snow got too heavy for my likin’, and we both figured now would be a good time to find some shelter. Luckily I recalled that we passed a cabin on the way to the woodlands that was near a river._

_We headed towards there as it would be preferable compared to freezing outside._

_I can’t stand the cold. Makes me miserable._

_We got there and it seemed like it was abandoned, but not long ago as it still looked pretty presentable._

_That was fine by me! If we had to camp here for a while I'd rather it be decent._

_The snow ended up coming down real heavy, and it was obvious we weren’t going anywhere for a bit._

_Got a fire started to make sure we were warm and that Tilly was comfortable._

_She seemed to be as she smiled at me sweetly and said that it was kinda romantic. Gotta admit, even though I didn’t plan the whole thing with the cabin, I felt proud that she approved of everythin’._

_Ended up sittin’ down in front of the fire and enjoyed each other’s company, and naturally we got closer. Have to admit I was quite nervous as it was the first time we were truly alone, and if I’m honest I’m a bit rusty in the romance department. Been a long time…_

_She seemed to feel nervous too. Noticed her stealin’ a lot of glances at me, and looking down shyly also. Too bashful for our own good._

_We both must have racked up some courage though as next thing I know, we were kissin’._

_It started soft but I found it to become more and more sensual, as she let me slip my tongue in..._

_My god it was everythin’!_

_All our sexual tension was just beginnin’ to unfold right before our eyes._

_My pants felt very restrictin’ in that moment._

_I felt like it was all a blur as next thing I knew, she was lettin’ me guide her onto the floor._

_Wrappin’ her arms around me and deepenin’ the kiss. I was in paradise!_

_Started to lose myself in the moment and began caressing her body. Her body was amazin’ and everythin’ about it turned me on even more than I already was!_

_Ran my hand up her leg slowly. Savourin’ each moment. Reached under her skirt...and began my ascent towards her undergarments. I needed them off. Needed to see her bare. To be inside of her._

_But then she tensed...and I stopped dead in my tracks._

_I ended up pullin’ back and lookin’ into her eyes._

_I didn’t know what I did wrong, and got mighty worried. I didn’t want to force her to do anythin’ she didn’t want to. The worry must have shown up on my face, as Tilly started apologisin’, looked real sad while doin’ so._

_I just sat and listened to what she was trying to say._

_She told me about her past. That some bad men tried to take advantage of her, but she managed to escape before anythin’ happened. That she was still jumpy after all this time, due to their unwanted touches._

_Sweet thing said that she knows it might be confusin’ for me, due to us doing more than this at that party a while ago._

_Told me that the alcohol must have had a part in her goin’ that far._

_The alcohol surely clouded my judgement too._

_She tried to reassure me that she still wanted to be with me, and that she wanted to be with me physically. It’s just that she may have to ease into it with everythin’ she went through._

_Poor thing wouldn’t stop apologisin’. Said she felt like she disappointed me._

_It broke my heart as she had no reason to be sayin’ sorry, and she surely wasn’t disappointin’ me in any way! I held her close and told her that she didn’t have to be sorry. That’d we’d take it slow and only go at a pace that she’s comfortable with… Or we could go at no pace at all. That she could NEVER disappoint me._

_It just wasn’t possible!_

_We just cuddled for hours after that._

_Made a promise to myself that if I ever found out who hurt her...I’d hunt them down._

  
  
  
  
  



	10. Chapter 10

_23rd November 1898_

_Camp’s been a bit low on food for the last day or two, and Pearson keeps hasslin me’ about bringin’ some more in. How in the hell has feedin’ the camp become my job!? Don’t no one else do any work around here? Feel like I’m being played._

_Either way I figured this would be the best excuse to put my mediocre fishin’ skills into practice. Be a good time to catch some Bass. Just hope I can improve some day, but it ain’t likely._

_Shouted over to Dutch that I’d be out fishin’ due to the rest of the boys bein’ too lazy to do their share. Clearly I was pissed off now that I think about it. Made sure he knew I’d probably be gone for the whole day as I wanted to take a boat out, in hopes of catchin’ some big fish._

_To my surprise, just as I was about to sulk off in a mood, Tilly approached me and asked if she could join me. Said she’d never really had the chance to go out on a boat of any kind before._

_Never have I been delighted and saddened at the same time. The thought of havin’ her by my side definitely put me in a better mood; however knowin’ that she never had the opportunity to experience various things in her life, things that I took for granted. It really broke my damn heart._

_Told her that I’d be more than happy to have her join me, but fishin’ wouldn’t be the most excitin’ thing for her. She just smiled sweetly and told me that it was fine. That as long as she was spendin’ time with me, she was happy._

_God. I fall for her more with each passin’ day._

_Suggested she should bring a book or somethin’ just in case. I didn’t want her to get bored or nothin’. We left not long after and made sure to dress appropriately for the weather this time._

_After arrivin’ at the lake we made sure to “borrow” a nice boat. Somethin’ cosy but still with enough space._

_Took her by the hand and helped her into the boat. Treated her like a lady should be._

_After we cast off she got so excited about our “little boat trip” as she called it. Said it’d be wonderful just bein’ in each other's company. Such a sweetheart._

_It was a pleasantly relaxin’ day. I struggled to get a bite, so of course I pretended I had some clue of how to fish in order to try and impress her. Figured she wouldn’t notice how badly I was doin’ as she was quietly readin’ her book, when I last looked at her._

_When I glanced over at her I found her watchin’ me intently. Got worried that she was bored and wanted to leave. I was about to offer to take us back to shore when she told me that I looked mighty handsome, and that she was glad she had me to herself._

_I was a complete mess after that. Blushin’ all the way down to my neck! Tried to play it cool though and told her she looked exceptionally beautiful. She just smiled and fluttered her pretty eyes at me._

_Suddenly fishin’ didn’t seem so important._

_Next thing I knew I put my fishin’ rod down and sat next to her while kissin’ her tenderly. I wanted to be as careful as I could be with her. Didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable in any way, so I settled for placing one hand on her cheek and the other on her knee. She seemed to be fine with that as I felt her smile against my lips._

_I was so captivated by her. Her scent, the taste of her lips, the softness of her skin. Everythin’!_

_Started absent mindedly strokin’ her leg. Just got lost in the moment. Luckily it didn’t seem to make her uncomfortable as she started caressin’ my arms and back. Whenever she touched me it was electrifying! I just couldn’t help getting excited._

_I think she sensed that we could go too far again, as she pulled away from me and smiled softly. Said calmly that we should probably head back._

_She was right. A boat wouldn’t be the ideal place to get frisky with each other, anyhow. Most importantly though she wanted to go at her own pace, and I was definitely going to respect that. So we headed back to camp._

_Oh, and I damn well forgot to catch some fish. Had Pearson chewing my ear off for the rest of the day. Guess I’ll go hunt some rabbits tomorrow._

* * *

  
  


_27th November 1898_

_Took Tilly for a nice little stroll in town. We both wanted to get out of the camp for a few hours, as Karen and Grimshaw’s arguin’ was getting on our last nerves. Kind of hard to enjoy the day when all you can hear is “Sour old crone!” and “Ungrateful whore!”_

_What the hell is wrong with them!? Speakin’ to each other that way. It just ain't nice._

_Either way, I didn’t want Tilly to have to be in the middle of that. As soon as I took her away and suggested we go for a walk in town, she mouthed a thank you to me. Bein’ around situations like that is clearly hard for her. Poor thing._

_Our walk together in town was bliss. Pretty romantic actually. Except for when we noticed a few bastards who thought it was acceptable to stare at us, like we each had two heads! A glare at those assholes made them back off easy enough. Damn rodents._

_We ended up passin’ a tailor and I saw an amazing dress. Automatically thought that Tilly would look absolutely beautiful wearin’ it. She seemed to realise that somethin’ caught my attention, and asked what was the matter._

_Told her that nothin’ was wrong and that I was just thinkin’ how amazin’ she’d look in that dress. She looked all flustered and shy. Giggled sweetly at my compliment, and told me to “stop playin’.”_

_I meant it though…_

_Told her that the dress looked like it was fit for royalty and that she was my queen._

_She just looked at me with those beautiful eyes for what seemed like a lifetime. Sweet thing looked like she was on the verge of tears. I panicked at first thinkin’ I said somethin’ wrong, but then she told me that nobody had said anything like that to her before. That I was the sweetest...That I was her king._

_Pretty sure I started blushing profusely in that moment, followed by a giggle I failed to hide._

_Suggested we should get inside and buy her that dress. She asked if I was sure and I told her “Without a doubt”. Her smile made it all worthwhile._

_Held the door open for her and we went inside._

_Asked the owner if she could try on the dress and he took it off the mannequin, then directed her to the dressing room._

_I couldn’t wait to see her wearin’ it! My anticipation was gettin’ the better of me._

_Well… When she came out she did not disappoint one bit! As expected she looked beautiful. A true queen. A goddess even. I swear my eyes popped out of my head, once I laid eyes on her._

_She asked sheepishly how it looked, and all I could muster up was “Amazin’.” Had to pick my damn mouth up off the floor with how hard I was gawpin’._

_Told her to give me a lil twirl and she did. She looked so damn cute with how excited she got, while wearin’ the dress. She kept feelin’ the fabric and lookin’ at herself in awe at the mirror._

_Couldn’t help myself as I walked over to her, stood very closely behind her and rubbed the small of her back. Brought my lips to her neck and started tenderly kissin’ it. Felt her ease into my chest and moan slightly. God, she had no clue what she was doin’ to me. My kisses started to descend to her shoulder._

_That was until I came to my senses and remembered we weren’t alone, when I heard the tailor clear his throat to remind us of his presence. I thank him for that as I clearly get easily lost in the moment._

_I continued to stand closely behind her though. Whispered in her ear how beautiful she looked and she looked up at me lovingly and thanked me._

_While she returned to the dressin’ room to take it off, I went and paid for it. Requested that it be wrapped and I sneakily bought a separate item for her. A shawl that I thought she’d love. Asked for it to be hidden at the bottom of the box._

_Wanted to surprise her. After all she was only expectin’ a dress. Plus it’d be appropriate for the cold weather so it seemed like it would be useful anyway._

_The dress was wrapped and we made our way back to camp. Luckily the arguin’ had died down once we got back, but a part of me was glad it happened. I wouldn’t have been able to have that moment with Tilly otherwise._


	11. Chapter 11

_ 18th December 1898  _

_Really needed a break from camp. Swanson followin’ me around and singin’ in my face while drunk, really is unnervin’ at the best of times. Just don’t know why he does it. I hope he gets the help he so sorely needs._

_Me however, with my infinite wisdom decided the best place to escape the drunken fool would be in a saloon._

_With even more drunken fools._

_Goddamn idiot._

_I needed a drink though! I was thirsty…_

_Despite my stupidity, it actually turned out to be a good choice._

_Was in there havin’ a beer and I noticed a bit of activity in one of the backrooms that I could see. Thought it might have been somethin’ real interestin’ that I needed to know. Started plannin’ ways I could find out what was goin’ on so I could rob them later._

_Acted like I was interested in making conversation with the barkeep. Asked the basic questions and worked my way up to askin’ him what was up with his back room. As it seemed kinda secret._

_I must have made him feel comfortable enough as he said that it was a private area for people that the general public might consider “Different and Unusual”._

_I didn’t have a goddamn clue what he was talkin’ about. Just replied “Uh huh…” with a confused look._

_That was until I saw a black man enter and nod at the barkeep, who in turn nodded back knowingly. Followed not long after by a white man who also nodded at the barkeep._

_He then excused himself and explained to an overly aggressive customer who was demandin’ another drink and askin’ where he was goin’, that he needed to head in the back to with the men as they were there to help with the supplies._

_Was pretty obvious the barkeep didn’t feel comfortable sharin’ the same information with the customer, that he did with me. Guy did seem pretty ignorant from the get go._

_Anyway it all clicked when I saw how close the two men who entered previously were walkin’, and noticed that their hands brushed against each others._

_Couldn’t help but smile at the thought of their being a safe place for people who weren’t accepted by the dumbass, ignorant society._

_A safe place for the two men and a safe place for me and Tilly. Sounded like bliss._

_Made the choice right there and then that I’d bring her there later on in the night. Could hardly contain my excitement and finished the rest of my beer with the biggest smile._

_Once the barkeep came back we started discussin’ reservations and plans for later on in the night._

_Headed over to the barber to get myself neatened up before heading back to camp. Wanted to really make an effort and look good for her._

_Got a trim and asked for some pomade to be applied to my hair._

_Made sure to ask the barber to trim my beard low, as opposed to makin’ me clean shaven. Leave a bit a stubble, that kinda thing._

_Tilly mentioned that she loved when I had some. Said it made me look “ruggedly handsome”. Usually followed by her caressing the stubble and my neck._

_Knowing that she loved little things about me, and would touch me in that manner made me run hot! She said she loved it so I aimed to please her._

_As soon as I got back all the comments started floodin’ in._

_Rangin’ from little compliments ( I still have no idea how to graciously accept them) to incessant teasin’ from certain immature fools in the camp. They are easy enough to brush off though._

_Whenever anyone felt the need to ask what was the occasion for my change in appearance, I just found myself just shruggin’._

_Settlin’ to tell them I just felt like a change. That it also helps me to blend in town better too. So I look less like a degenerate runnin’ in a gang._

_Tried to retreat to my tent after all the commotion on my appearance._

_God even writin’ that down makes me feel weird. What the hell is so special about a man gettin’ a haircut? Bill can come back with his baldin’ “crown of glory” all hacked up, and no one bats an eyelid!_

_Must have looked even stupider than Bill. Or just ugly and the compliments were out of pity. Only reason I can think of..._

_Anyway,what made me stop in my tracks though and turn as red as Swanson’s nose, was the way Tilly was lookin’ at me!_

_She just had this stunned look on her face. What looked to be like she was completely in awe._

_Found myself turning around to look behind me a few times.See what grabbed her attention. Doubted she was even lookin’ at me like that. But she was. Saw no one else in the vicinity._

_Turned on the spot and bridged the gap between us. Soon as I was close to her she blurted out that I looked different._

_Got real worried and asked if she didn’t like it._

_She started stumblin’ over her words and quickly assured me that she in fact loved it. That brought such a sense of relief to me. Would feel pretty embarrassed if she told me I looked stupid or somethin’._

_Never seen her act that shy and nervous around me before. It was actually pretty adorable._

_After a while I told her that I actually spruced up as I had some plans for us in the evening, and wanted to look nice for her. Told her it’d be a good idea to leave at night if we wanted to avoid the gazing eyes of our fellow gang members._

_The excitement in her eyes at my mystery plans were delightful. So damn beautiful._

_Gave each other a knowing nod and continued on with our day. Eager for night to arrive and our date to begin._

_Longest day of my life._

_It was well worth the painful wait when she made her way to where I was waiting with the wagon._

_Wow. I mean..._

_I-I was speechless. Jaw dropping to the floor as if I was intent on catchin’ some flies._

_Goddamn beautiful._

_She was wearin’ the dress I bought her a few weeks ago, hair changed into an elaborate style. A few of those pretty curls framin’ her sweet face._

_Noticed she found the shawl I had hidden with the dress. Had it draped around her shoulders. Looked real lovely on her if I do say so myself._

_The thing is. It really brought my attention to her breasts. Turns out I had forgotten that the dress highlighted them nicely. Very nicely indeed._

_Quite ashamed to admit that my thoughts changed from loving and sweet, to just plain dirty! Just like that! One look and I was gone._

_Oh, so many thoughts crossed my mind as I looked her up and down. Started with me thinkin’ about ripping that dress off of her._

_B-but, that wouldn’t have been proper so I tried to dispel that thought._

_It didn’t work._

_Thank god she broke me out of whatever perverted trance I was in by askin’ if I liked how she looked._

_Of course I did! I told her as such, and then some!_

_Asked her to give me a twirl._

_Looked just as good from the back._

_She has a great ass._

_Gotta admit, it ain't the first time I’ve looked. Took everythin’ in me not to give it a lil squeeze._

_Settled for pulling her into an embrace and kissing her instead. She told me how handsome she thought I looked. That she loved it. She’s so kind and carin’. Such a wonderful woman._

_Her compliments made me feel real good. Couldn’t stop myself from grinnin’ like a fool in love._

_We had to tear away from each other, otherwise we’d have been late. Headed off to the saloon no long after. I was so excited. Couldn’t stop smilin’ the whole way there._

  
  


_We got there and I stopped us at the side of the saloon._

_I got the most puzzled look I’d ever seen in my life! Poor thing was clearly wonderin’ why in the hell I brought her to the side of a saloon._

_I made sure to reassure her. Told her that it was ok and that I had a surprise for her._

_God I was so nervous!_

_I’d have been heartbroken if she ended up not likin’ it._

_Held out my hand for her to take in order to help her down from the wagon._

_Thank god she accepted it! I just remembered a sense of relief washin’ over me! I just wanted to make her happy. I wished the night went well._

_We approached the back entrance of the Saloon. The barkeep told me prior that he had another entrance that we could use, if we didn’t want to deal with any judgemental stares, comments or incidents in general._

_I accepted as I didn't want the night to be ruined for Tilly in anyway! I mean, I would gladly fight or kill any bastards who had an issue with us, but I wouldn’t want her to be around if that were to happen._

_So stayin’ out of sight was the best choice. Ain’t no way I’m putin’ her in any danger, especially if it could be avoided._

_Knocked on the door and he let us in. He welcomed us and directed us to the room that he had previously fixed up for the night._

_As soon as the door was opened, I heard Tilly gasp._

_He did a wonderful job if I do say so myself! Real romantic looking. I was impressed!_

_He put out candles for us and everythin’! Made the place look real fancy with table cloths, fancy cutlery and a bottle of champagne too! I don’t know where he managed to get the stuff from, but I weren’t complainin’._

_She just looked at me and was speechless for a short while, before askin’ if this was just for us._

_Just smiled and said yes._

_Tried my best to not look like I was nervous and anticipating her reaction. I was a wreck!_

_Sweetheart threw herself into my arms and planted a kiss on my lips. Said she loved it!_

_Thank god!_

_We went on in, had some drinks and enjoyed a lovely meal that the barkeep brought in for us. Being with her like that. It brought me so much happiness. She’s the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time._

_Things though, got a little more intense though once dessert came._

_Shit._

_Just the way she was eatin’ it._

_Slow and seductive._

_Even started makin’ eye contact with me while eatin’ it like that. Followed by her closing her eyes to savour the taste and moanin’. Told me how good it was after she did so._

_That moan…_

_Got me all worked up again. I just watched her. Eyes couldn’t seem to decide if I should look at her beautiful face, or those pretty breasts of hers._

_She seemed to get some pleasure outta watchin’ me squirm. Gotta admit I loved it. Turned me on somethin’ fierce. She had a naughty side to her it seemed._

_Once we finished, we headed back outside. She abruptly pulled me into a kiss and thanked me for the wonderful night. Clearly she caught me off guard as I became a bit of a bumbling mess._

_Attempted to get out the words “It was my pleasure”, but some random shit came out instead._

_She laughed at me._

_*Sigh* I embarrass myself daily._

_Tried to save myself further embarrassment and suggested we go back to camp. She appeared to have had other plans in mind though._

_Pulled me into an alleyway and close to her. Damn we were so close…_

_Said she expected me to make more of a move on her as we were alone._

_I-I didn’t know what to tell her other than it took everythin’ within me not to as she looked amazin’, but I didn’t want to go at a pace she’d be uncomfortable with._

_She looked at me and said she was gettin’ real comfortable. Just the way she looked at me._

_Wow!_

_If I didn’t know any better I’d have thought she had just given me permission to take her right there and then! I knew better though._

_Either way I must have had a moment of bravery though as I asked her something’ that I usually wouldn’t dare to! Asked if I could DO somethin’ more like._

_She said “Depends what it is.”_

_Well, I took a deep breath and said “May I?” while gesturing towards her breasts. Started blushin’ and admitted to her that I’ve been wantin’ to touch them since that day when I saw her wearin’ that extremely sheer blouse… That I found it incredibly distractin’ when it got wet while she was doing the laundry. That I couldn’t stop thinkin’ about it, and that seein’ her in that dress didn’t quell my curiosity. That I wanted to see them. Feel them._

_Automatically started kickin’ myself. Thinkin’ how the hell could I ask her somethin’ like that!? That I was a disgustin’ man for sayin’ that!_

_But she shocked the hell out of me and said I could!_

_It didn’t even cross my mind at that point that she didn’t seem phased by me watchin’ her and noticin’ how sheer her blouse really was. I was clearly focused on the task at hand which was gettin’ her breasts out of that dress!_

_They were as soft and lovely as I had imagined they’d be! Damn…_

_Proved many times I’m observant when it comes to her. Took no time for me to notice the cool night air perked her nipples nicely. Couldn’t even stop myself if I wanted to and ended up giving them a little pinch._

_That got a reaction outta her! A moan. Fuck. I loved hearin’ her moan._

_Inevitably, I started to wonder how they’d feel against my tongue._

_Seems that champagne gave me some liquid courage as I asked if I could give them a lick._

_She allowed it. I didn’t need to be told twice. Wasted no time in teasin’ her nipples with my tongue._

_The more she moaned...the more I lost myself! Before I knew it I was suckin’ and lickin’ her breasts like a man starved!_

_The way she whispered my name, how she gripped on to me for dear life. It just really got me goin’._

_I couldn’t get enough and I wanted more. Settled for giving her ass a good squeeze while I gave my attention to her breasts. I needed to know how good it felt too._

_Wasn’t disappointed in the slightest!_

_We however, were rudely interrupted by the sound of a deputy chasin’ a drunken fool who was comin’ in our direction. Quickly covered Tilly up with her shawl while she adjusted herself back into her dress._

_Decided it would be best to leave before they got closer and head back to camp._

_Goddamn drunken fool!_

_Can’t even handle his drink and ruinin’ that moment._

_At least I can handle my drink! Won’t see me getting chased by the law, drunk off my ass..._

* * *

_23rd December 1898_

_Goddamn Dutch and that gramophone! Every time I try and get some rest he decides it's a great time to play music loudly!_

_Don’t make a lick of sense! A gang of outlaws tryin’ to remain inconspicuous and he is drawin’ attention with his loud music!_

_I oughta smash the thing when he’s not lookin’ and give everyone some peace and quiet._

_Well...I couldn’t sleep even if I wanted to so I figured I might as well have a wander around camp._

_I wasn't the only one that Dutch’s music was keppin’ up. Saw Tilly sat up in her tent lookin’ a bit disgruntled. She saw me stood there and tried to muster up a smile._

_Poor thing._

_Unfortunately she aint one of the lucky people who can sleep through the noise. I envy those people. Don’t get enough goddamn sleep as it is._

_Figured there was no point in us both gettin’ pissed off and we could make the best out of an annoying situation._

_Gestured for her to follow me to the edge of the camp. Surprised by how quickly she got up and was walkin’ alongside me._

_Just as I stopped she asked what was going on._

_Told her that if we couldn’t sleep due to the music we might as well take advantage of the situation._

_Held out my hand and asked her if I could have this dance with her. Bowed and everythin’! I just wanted to see her smile._

_She laughed sweetly and told me I may while given’ me a lil curtsy._

_God I love it when she laughs. One of my favourite sounds._

_She even called me Mr Morgan while sayin’ so. Somethin’ about her sayin’ that. Always got me hot and bothered._

_We danced to that music like a pair of young teenagers in love! Just bein’ carefree and laughin’ like a pair of fools. I wouldn’t have changed anythin’ about it. It was wonderful bein’ able to have fun with her like that. I felt young again._

_Dutch’s songs changed to somethin’ more slow paced and romantic after a while. Thought I’d try to impress Tilly with my limited dancin’ skills and twirl her under my arm before bringin’ back to me._

_Well, I messed that up._

_Brought her back to me way too fast. Ended fallin’ into my chest!_

_She seemed a bit taken aback but chuckled at the moment. I however was just thinkin’ I was a big idiot!_

_Didn’t last long though when our gazes met and we just stared into each others eyes. Still dancin’ slowly. Still very close...it’s all I could think about. Just how I could feel the curves of her body pressed against me. My hand on the small of her back. Dangerously close to her ass._

_I was lost in myself._

_So much so, that I didn’t even notice her hand creepin’ down the front of my chest and continuin’ even lower. Until I err, felt her give my dick a squeeze._

_That got my attention!_

_I immediately asked her what she was doin’! My body liked it and wanted more but I still wanted to check she was ok. That she was aware of what she just did._

_Said that she had also been curious for a while about what I looked like...how I felt, and that she wanted to know. If I was alright with it. All while she was still touchin’ me. Gettin’ me harder._

_Of course I was alright with it! Especially if she wanted it!_

_All I could muster up though was “Ok…”_

_That didn’t help in any way to make me not look perverted!_

_I don’t think she thought that though as she just responded with an appreciative hum, pushed me against a tree, removed my suspenders and unbuttoned my shirt agonisingly slow. I thought I was gonna die._

_All I could do was watch her with my mouth agape. Lookin’ at her like she was an angel._

_She then kissed me deeply while unbuttoning my pants. I could hardly think straight._

_The moment she reached in and grabbed me was just pure heaven. I’d been waitin’ to have her touch me, and it was finally happenin’. My god it finally happened._

_When she pulled me out and gasped...That was a real confidence boost! Felt like I could take on an army. Good to know that I impressed her._

_Didn’t get to think about her reaction for long, as she started to stroke me!_

_Tried my hardest to tell her that she didn’t have to do this, that I didn’t want her doin’ anything she wasn’t ready to do._

_She just placed a finger over my mouth and told me to relax._

_I did as I was told…_

_She shocked the hell outta me though when she got on her knees and I watched her lick me from base to tip._

_It nearly ended right there and then!_

_Had to control myself… It was downright difficult though._

_She got back up and continued to stroke me. Long firm strokes. Holy fuck it felt amazin’!_

_Even if I tried I wouldn’t have been able to hold back the moan that came out while she touched me._

_I got quite self conscious actually. I think she could tell as she asked me not to bottle it up. Told me she liked hearin’ me moan._

_Seems we both have that in common then. Lovin’ to hear each other moan._

_Givin’ myself permission to let go. Having her tell me how she loved hearin’ me moan. Her playin’ with me._

_It just all took me over the edge._

_Thanks to her I came so goddamn hard._

_Left me a panting, sweaty, quiverin’ mess against the tree._

_Before she could even say anythin’ I pulled her into a passionate kiss._

_I wanted her so much._

_Grimshaw spoiled the mood quite quickly though by hollerin’ to Dutch to turn the music down._

_Of course he didn’t listen._

_It was probably a good thing that happened though as I really wanted our first time with each other to be special. She deserved that._

_Both figured we should return and try to get some rest. I knew I wouldn’t be able to though. Thought about her for the rest of the night. Non-stop._


	12. Chapter 12

_  
28th December 1898 _

_Been in a sour mood since yesterday. Caught that little shit Sean tryin’ it on with Tilly!_

_Unfortunately we still hadn’t made the camp aware of our relationship so I really had no right to be pissed at him, but damn if I didn’t find it uncomfortable._

_Tilly didn’t entertain him at all. Just waved him off politely. She’s a better person than me, I’d have punched him!_

_Err, maybe that’s just my anger talkin’ but I was upset at him hasslin’ her. Part of me was even worried that she might prefer him over me._

_I am a miserable old bastard after all._

_Sean on the other hand? Well despite me findin’ him annoyin’ at the best of times, I can’t deny he’s entertainin’, still in his prime and overall a good man. When he wants to be that is._

_I know women would prefer a man like him over me is all… I wouldn’t blame any woman for leavin’ me for someone that might be better for them._

_Especially not Tilly. I do feel she deserves better._

  
  


_At one point though she did roll her eyes a little. I think she was mildly annoyed. You’d think that would be a hint for him. But oh no! He kept going though. Wouldn’t shut up._

_Tellin’ her how she looked good and everythin’. I mean I agree she looks amazin’ but I can’t say I liked him sayin’ it to her._

_Little fucker._

_God it’s gettin’ more and more difficult keepin’ our relationship to ourselves! I just stood close by pretendin’ that I was busy with chores. I’d have loved to have told the smug bastard to stop troublin’ her, that we were together and not to be a creep to her no more._

_Instead I just ended up shoutin’ at him to go and do some goddamn work and stop bein’ lazy. As much as I tried though I’m not sure I hid my anger well enough. Sean looked at me like I was the devil. Scuttled off apologisin’, talkin’ about how he was takin’ a break and will get back to work._

_Kinda felt bad for him. I didn’t need to raise my voice like that I guess._

_Had to make a quick apology to Tilly for gettin’ worked up over Sean. Was still feeling down for the rest of the day though. I know I ain’t much of a catch and she could have anyone she wanted, if she chose to. She’s too good for me is all and I’m lucky she’s even interested in an old, sad fool like me._

_Maybe she is better off with Sean?_

* * *

  
  


_29th December 1898_

_Tilly approached me earlier today. Said she sensed that something was a bit off with me. After all I was still kinda sulkin’ about that Sean incident. Weren’t directed to her or nothin’. It was just overall. Just in a down mood._

_Told her how Sean flirtin’ with her made me uncomfortable. That yes, she did brush him off but the thought of him tryin’ it on with her just made me feel weird. I outright admitted it made me feel jealous of him. After all he was younger and funnier than me. Less miserable too. Told her I’d understand if she did want a man closer to her age, or someone who could make her laugh and show her a good time._

_She shocked the hell out of me when she told me she already had that in me and she didn’t want anyone else. Told me that she thought I was a nice catch, followed by a playful lil wink._

_I could tell she meant it though. She is straight talking after all, yet still manages to be lovely. I like that. Keeps me grounded. Or more honestly, sane._

_She is so damn sweet to me. I love her dearly._

_Just a woman I’d be more than happy to be with in the long run._

_I-I know it’s too soon to be thinking like that but it’s just how I honestly feel!_

_After she built up my confidence again she asked if I would like to go to a picture show with her, and see a movie that Hosea recommended to her. Said it would be nice to spend some time with me and that it would help to get me out of camp, and my mind off that Sean business._

_I agreed before she even managed to finish her sentence. I was always eager to spend time with her. She was my girl and I enjoyed being with her in every moment._

_It’s hard to be sad when she’s around. Such a perfect woman._

_Got to the picture house and paid for our tickets. Gotta admit I was quite lookin’ forward to the movie. Wanted to see what got Hosea so excited about it. Plus it would be nice to just sit down with him and discuss it. Nice to act like normal people once in a while._

_When we walked in we were expectin’ it to be difficult to find some free seats where we could keep to ourselves, but the entire place was empty. Save for the man operating the projector. Guess people in these parts didn’t care for it. Or we were late to the party and they all had seen it already?_

_No skin off my back! I was more than happy to have the whole place to ourselves. Made it easier to cuddle up to her and be romantic._

_We still chose the seats right at the back just in case someone did show up. Guess we still wanted some form or privacy. What little there would be in that kind of settin’._

_The movie got started and I got close to her. Put my arm around her which she happily seemed to accept. That made me smile._

_Honestly I’d be hurt if she did reject it, but she’s so sweet that I don’t think that scenario would even play out._

_Tried my best to pay attention to the movie but my focus just kept turnin’ towards Tilly. I mean it wasn't a hard choice. I could either watch it or I could admire the beautiful woman sat beside me. One who made me run hot especially whenever she looked over at me with those big pretty eyes and gave me that lil mischievous smile of hers. My choice was made._

_Oh, it was clear she had plans alright! Thing is, so did I…_

_From the moment I saw we were practically alone in a dark yet loud room, so many dirty thoughts crossed my mind._

_I hadn’t forgotten what she did for me and I sure as hell wanted to return the favour, if she allowed me to._

_Tested the waters a bit . Wanted to see if she’d be comfortable kissin’ in that kinda environment._

_Turns out she was._

_Got heated real quick. Our kiss got pretty full on. In fact she surprised me when she slipped me some tongue in the manner that she did. Felt her smile against my lips afterwards. As well as place my hand on her thigh. Damn she loves to tease me!_

_She knows EXACTLY how to get a rise out of me!_

_Well I gladly took her up on her offer and my hands began to roam. Naturally._

_Started off with me squeezing her thigh before moving to her waist then those breasts of hers. My hands were pretty much all over her._

_Wasn’t long before I started kissin’, suckin’ and licking on her neck. I was definitely weren’t shy about it. Why would I be!? I ain’t even going to deny the effect she has on me!_

_I must have got her feeling pretty hot too judging’ by how she was moanin’ and pantin’. As well as the fact that she lifted her skirt all the way up to her thighs. Slowly. Then gave me a look I just can’t get out of my head. A look of lust, desire...sex._

_I swear I started lickin’ my lips like a dog lickin’ it’s chops at the sight of a steak! It was all so much of a blur, so I could have done anything’ for all I know!_

_Oh, She clearly wanted somethin’ and I was goin’ to do my damn best to give it to her. Make no mistake on that._

_I vaguely remember snakin’ my hand up her inner thigh. All I could think of was how smooth it was._

_Made a point to make eye contact with her. Guess it was a silent way of asking if she was alright with where this was goin’._

_The simple act of her noddin’ with half lidded eyes, while bitin’ on her lower lip was ALL the confirmation I needed!_

_God, I swear my eyes darted right to her lips after that. They were very temptin’. Couldn’t wait to kiss them some more._

_I took my time and reached what I was aimin’ for. Fuck, she was soaked!_

_That pleased me._

_I didn’t delve right in mind you. Wanted to go slow. We had time after all._

_Pulled off her underthings and put it in my satchel for safe keepin’. I didn’t really want to just leave a pair of bloomers in the picture house for anyone to see! Would be a shock for those poor people who found it._

_This was err, the first time I had seen her up close and bare like this. Holy shit! I wanted nothin’ more than to taste her. She was real temptin’._

_Also had to refrain myself from unbuckling my pants and just makin’ love to her right there. God I wanted it so bad. Hardest fight of my life!_

_Could see she was waitin’ with anticipation for me to touch her. I was too lost in my own thoughts clearly._

_So I gave her what she wanted._

_Rubbed her sweet spot nice and slow… didn’t want to overwhelm her. I knew how a woman’s body could react to being touched like that._

_Way she started moanin’ and wimperin’ told me I was pleasurin’ her just right though._

_Shit, it turned me on!_

_Especially when she started breathin’ heavily and her fingers began to wander. She put on quite the show for me, I must say. God, I remember it vividly!_

_I watched them slowly begin their descent from her lips and down her throat. Just a light touch. They continued down to her chest where she delicately glided them over her breasts._

_When she gave them a little squeeze I couldn’t stop the grin that appeared even if I wanted to. Obviously I loved watchin’ her pleasure herself. I wanted to see more of it, up close and personal with no shame._

_Her fingers then ran down her stomach and all the way to her thighs where she started rubbing them. Clearly she was getting quite worked up as I watched in silence, as her fingers moved even lower and started to circle her entrance._

_Fuck, Tilly!_

_Darlin’, you have no clue what you do to me!_

_Think it was her way of telling me to go further. So I did. Plunged my fingers in her and she threw her head back. I swear her legs parted even further when I did that._

_Writin’ about all this is gettin’ me hard, even now. I need to calm down._

_I just kept thrustin’ my fingers into her. Wanted to give her all the pleasure I could and brought my free hand down to that sweet spot of hers. Started rubbin’ her whilst still continuin’ with the previous task at hand._

_That definitely kicked up her pleasure a notch!_

_I just revelled in the sounds she was makin’, and I mean ALL of them! Not just her moanin’. I shouldn’t have been surprised with how wet she was, but it did shock me! Especially considerin’ that I was able to hear it over the movie and the projector. I was real close to her though, and she was REAL excited so I guess it was expected._

_Made me feel goddamn amazin’ that I was the one that got her that excited! Couldn’t help but be proud of myself that she was on the brink of havin’ an intense orgasm due to me and just my fingers._

_Not Sean’s._

_Regardless I leaned in and whispered just how much I loved the sounds she was makin’, how good she felt and how wet she was. Tried my best to get the point across how much I wanted her. For her ears only._

_That seemed to be the ticket to push her over the edge. She definitely came loud and hard! Even screamed my name. It was everythin’. Wish I could hear her say my name like that more often._

_Thank god the movie got louder at that point and the projector muffled it even more._

_We’d have been pretty embarrassed if we got caught in the middle of our intimate act._

_I could only watch her all slack jawed as she came down off her high. God, I can’t wait until we can cum together. I imagine it would be beautiful…_

_Oh yeah. Funny thing is when we got back to camp Hosea asked me how the movie was and what I thought about certain scenes. I swear, didn’t have a clue what he was on about. Just responded “The what!?” I clean forgot that he wanted to talk about the movie._

_Of course, he gave me that same shit eatin’ grin again and walked away._

_*Sigh* He goddamn knows doesn’t he?_

_I err… also forgot that I had her bloomers in my satchel. Just found them now._

_She won’t miss them for one night will she? Think I’ll return them to her tomorrow. Besides I love the idea that she’s’ not wearin’ anythin’ under her skirt right now. Our little secret… Crap, and Hosea’s I guess._

  
_~~We~~ I really ain’t good at keepin’ this secret. _


	13. Chapter 13

_ 30th December 1898  _

_Happened to find Tilly readin’ today. Sat down and tucked away just out of sight._

_Well that’s not entirely true. Didn’t just find her by accident. I definitely seeked her out. I just wanted to be close to her. Even though we were together yesterday and erm did things, I still missed her when we were apart._

_Anyway. When I saw she was readin’ I got a bit curious and asked what it was about._

_The way she looked up at me from behind her book._

_I just knew it had to be something’ naughty. Looked like she wanted to eat me alive! She’s gonna be the death of me! Whew!_

_She responded “Wouldn’t you like to know?” In that flirtatious manner she likes to tease me with._

_Oh it was definitely somethin’ naughty!_

_Decided to join in with the flirtin’. Knelt down in front of her and leaned in. Said “God, yes…” In a voice that I knew would get her heated up._

_Pretty sure we were just starin’ at each other for an eternity. Both of our gazes dartin’ between each other’s eyes and lips._

_Jesus! You could cut the sexual tension with a knife!_

_This ain’t normally me, but I wanted to fuck her right there in the camp. I wanted it badly. All her teasin’ and flirtin’ turned me on beyond belief! If there weren’t people around, I definitely would have repeated what we did yesterday._

_Then reality came crashin’ in and we both remembered we were still in camp. (Gotta thank Bill and his goddamn big mouth for that. Always shoutin’ and braggin’ whenever he puts some money in the box. The fool should be doin’ that anyway!)_

_We ended up composin’ ourselves and I stood up and back up a little. She mentioned she was just readin’ some romance story. She even went as far as to call it silly._

_She seemed to be enjoyin’ it though._

_I was a little confused if I’m honest. As I can’t say that I’ve actively sat and read a romance book. Asked her if women liked that kind thing._

_She just said some do. That it helps people experience romance in ways they might not usually be able to. She looked a bit sad when she said that. I know it must be hard for her to live in this world. A lot of foolish people stop her from livin’ her life as she wants. Damn, if that didn’t break my heart._

  
  


_She perked up right afterwards and said that it helps with fantasising. Especially during the dirty sections. She seemed to get a bit flustered and shy after sayin’ that. Told me that she doesn’t read it often._

_I definitely thought that was interesting… wondered what kind of things she likes in bed. I wanted to be able to give her what she wanted._

_(I’ll have to take a quick peek at that book when no one is lookin’ later on tonight.)_

_Told her that there was nothin’ wrong with it. Said we all have our little secrets that we enjoy and there is no shame in it. Made mention of my drawin’s in my journal. She immediately got excited and said she’d like to see them one day. I agreed that I would. Even said if she wants I can teach her how to draw somethin’. She said yes._

_Hm. Drawing with Tilly sat on my lap? That would be nice._

_Anyway, I’m sure there are some pieces that she will enjoy lookin’ at, as I’ve come across many interestin’ sights while out._

_Oh wait. I err...I just hope that she ain’t goin’ to feel weird about the drawings I’ve made of her. Gotta admit some are quite raunchy. Not all of them, but the dirty ones are definitely in there. Maybe I should skip those ones when showin’ her?_

_I was glad we had this little moment between us regardless. As I decided that I was definitely goin’ to do something romantic for her. She deserves to experience all the romance she can get._

_It’s New Year’s Eve tomorrow and I’ve seen a lot of posters advertisin’ some celebrations around town. Clearly for the rich folk, but I know there is a way we can still partake in the celebrations. I just hope I can make it as romantic as her book. I’d give her the moon and the stars if I could.  
_

* * *

_ 1st January 1899  
  
_

_Last night was incredible! Me and Tilly made love for the first time._

_Oh, Tilly. ❤️_

_Can hardly believe it happened! Feels like a wonderful dream to me._

_Just sat here grinnin’ like a fool. Got a few strange looks off some folk in the camp, but I don’t care what they think. I ain’t a broodin’ thug like how they think I am._

_I’m just a man in love._

_Even now as I’m writin’ I can’t stop starin’ at her. She’s everythin’ to me._

  
  


_I-I’m just still reelin’ from last night! It was amazin’!_

_Sure there were some hiccups on my part but as a whole it was just a perfect night._

_Ah crap. Blushin’ like a fool right now._

_Asked her if she’d like to accompany me on a romantic evening so we could celebrate New Year’s. Just the two of us with no interruptions. Don’t really get to be truly alone much, so it’s always special when we have the opportunity._

_I was so happy when she agreed to join me. Said she was excited about it. I really wanted to do my best to ensure she had many romantic moments like in that book of hers. Just want her to be happy._

_Took her to a small cliff overlookin’ the town and the river. What a beautiful view! Especially when it got dark later on in the day. All them light’s made it even more breathtakin’!_

_Got there a little bit earlier so that we could set up a nice little camp with a fire and a tent. Seein’ as we were goin’ to be out late. Wanted to make sure we were comfortable as possible._

_The plan after all was to stay out for the night so we could experience the celebrations from afar._

_Was best that way._

_We were runnin’ in a gang after all. Wouldn’t be wise to expose ourselves too much and I wanted to ensure she’d be safe._

_I knew that plenty of riverboats would be out later hostin’ their own parties. We might not have been able to take part in them but we could watch from a distance and enjoy it._

_We set up the camp, sat by the fire, relaxed and just enjoyed each other’s company until nightfall._

_Somethin’ about it all. Being together in that moment. It really helped us open up to each other. Even more than before. We spoke about a lot of things. Our mother’s, our hopes and dreams and later on in the night our feelin’s for each other..._

_The closer it got to midnight the more riverboats came out. It was quite a sight! Don’t think I’ve ever seen so many in one place before!_

_Tilly seemed taken with them as they moved across the water. Said somethin’ about them lookin’ like they were glidin’ on a sheet of glass._

_I love it whenever she gets overjoyed and passionate about something. The way she smiles just always makes me watch her in admiration. Such a pretty smile._

_Told her to wait a bit longer as it would get even more impressive._

_Sure enough. Once midnight came and they started lettin’ off fireworks from all the boats, she was awestruck! Could have sworn I saw her eyes sparklin’._

_I just remember her just grabbin’ my hand in excitement and tellin’ me how beautiful they were. That they looked like jewels in the sky._

_Told her that they were beautiful...but not as beautiful as her._

_She got a bit shy and flustered. Tried to brush it off as if I was only sayin’ it in the spur of the moment._

_But I wasn’t._

_I took both of her hands, looked her in the eyes and made sure she knew I meant every single word. Told her that she was the most important person in my life._

_The way we looked at each other after that. Watchin’ the fireworks didn’t seem to be much of a priority to us. We just stared at each other for what seemed like a lifetime._

_The kiss that followed? The most passionate that we’d shared so far._

_Felt like we could hardly breathe! I wanted more and she told me as much that she wanted more. With the way she started tryin’ to get me out of my clothes._

_Before I knew it I was pickin’ her up and bringin’ her into the tent. Laid her down and made sure to close it up tightly behind us._

_When I turned around the way she looked made me pause. I ain’t gonna lie, I got a bit bashful._

_Mischievously watchin’ me with her legs slightly parted and her hand restin’ on her chest. Just lookin’ me up and down while bitin’ her lip._

_God! I ain’t ever had a woman look at me like that, but I loved it when she did it!_

_Took me a minute to realize that she got me in quite a state of undress. Shirt all open, pants completely unbuttoned and nearly fallin’ off. She really was excited!_

_Then I noticed that she was fully dressed and that wouldn’t do at all._

_I wanted her just as bare. I-I needed it badly._

_Made my way over to her and straddled her. Started kissin’ on her neck. Worked my way down as I unbuttoned her dress and exposed more of her soft skin._

_The way she was pantin’ and mutterin’ my name just spurred me on even more._

_Got her dress off in no time. Must have been in a trance as all I remembered was just seein’ her layin’ beneath me, in her sheer underthin’s._

_My lord! They barely hid her modesty! What a view!_

_I just had to see all of her though. Asked for her permission to remove them. She giggled and said I could but only if I finished undressin’ first. Said it was only fair that she got an eyeful too._

_She was right. I mean, she saw me in much less of a state of undress than I had her. It wasn’t intentional or nothin’. Just she brought out many desires in me and I just got too excited to think straight sometimes._

_Plus, I-I hate to admit it but I’m kinda insecure about my appearance among other things. The way Mary would look at me in the past didn’t help me feel no better about myself._

_Hidden disgust._

_Made me think I was a big and ugly halfwit!_

_I-I know that’s not the way Tilly looks at me. Not in the slightest. But my scars run deep and still pain me till this day._

_Goddamn Mary._

_Guess that’s why I was a little reluctant to let Tilly see ALL of me. Was worried I’d get the same response. She understands me though and knows exactly who I am, so I’m not quite sure why I felt that way._

_*Sigh* I weren’t going to let any of that crap ruin our moment together though._

_I did as I was asked and shed the rest of my clothes._

_With the way she looked at me I could tell she definitely weren’t disgusted by me._

_That...made me feel...Good._

_I swear I thought I saw pure desire in her eyes in that moment. She probably sees the same in my eyes. Pretty obvious by now how I look at her. I know she sees it._

_She threw me off my train of thought when she started takin’ off her undergarments._

_Slowly._

_All while maintainin’ eye contact with me._

_Jesus! I’m really strugglin’ to concentrate while writin’ this!_

_Then there she was. Completely naked and showin’ me everthin’!_

_Even better seein’ her close up! She looked amazin’._

_Goddamn...I got fully hard after seein’ her like that._

_Must have looked like a creep to her as I was definitely lookin’!_

_I-I hope I didn’t make her uncomfortable now that I think about it._

_Not long after I was touchin’ her ALL over. Explored her body with my tongue too. Her neck, her breasts, stomach, thighs, between her legs…_

_God she tasted so good!_

_Made sure to slip some fingers in too while I savoured her. She must have liked what I was doin’ as she was soaked in no time._

_As I said, I love to see a woman experience pleasure._

_The way she was whimperin’ my name, gettin’ breathless and runnin’ her fingers through my hair, got me off even more than I thought humanly possible!_

_Thing is...when I was ready to be with her (or should I say when I thought I was ready!) I got real nervous and shy all of a sudden. Clearly snapped out of my trance._

_It had been so long after all . Plus I-I had been wantin’ to be with her like that for a while and there she was lyin’ beneath me, lookin’ like that. Guess my nerves got the better of me._

_Started to doubt myself pretty much. So many things raced through my head._

_What if I couldn't satisfy her?_

_What if I got excited and finished too soon?_

_What if she thinks that this is all I wanted from her?_

_I ain’t as confident as I like to make out._

_I must have froze for too long as she looked extremely concerned. Seemed to notice I was doubtin’ myself but it’s not like I could hide it from her anyway. Started to erm- get a bit limp._

_God this is embarrassin’ to write._

_She asked if everythin’ was ok. Took a while before I answered but I told her that I was a little nervous. That it had been a long time for me and I was worried about not bein’ able to satisfy her, as well as other doubts._

_God. She was so lovin’ and patient with me._

_The way she cupped my cheek gently and looked me in the eyes while tellin’ me that I could never disappoint her. That she wanted to be with me in this moment and in many more. It was just somethin’ that I really needed to hear and it just made me fall for her even harder._

_Couldn’t stop myself from kissin’ her._

_When we pulled away she gave me that look of hers that drives me crazy, and asked if I wanted to continue._

_Of course I did! Told her that I would love to._

_Next thing I know she’s getting me hard again. Suckin’ me with those perfect lips._

_God I was in heaven!_

_Yet again, there I was a tremblin’ mess because of what she was doin’ to me. This time though I didn’t dare look at her. Had to keep my eyes shut tight. The sight of her lips around me. Lookin’ at me with those pretty eyes of hers would have just been too much to bare. Would have ended right there and then. I didn’t want that. Not like that._

_Once she got me hard again she just calmly took me by the hand and guided us back to the bedroll. Everything that followed was pure bliss. She gave me pleasure like no woman has before! It was better than I could have imagined!_

_She must have liked what I did for her too as I could see the satisfaction on her face as well as hear it in her voice._

_She quelled any uncertainty I had when she came pretty intensely._

_So beautiful to watch._

_Once we came down from our high we cuddled. Told her that I’ve been wanting to do that for a long while now. That the more we are together the more I want to build a life for us together. That I am truly IN love with her and if she’d have me, I would love to call her my wife one day. I would love to have a future with her._

_The fact that she reciprocated all of my feelin’s and said she wants that life for us just made me feel like the luckiest man on earth!_

_I’mma try my damn hardest to provide her with that life._

_I love you Miss Jackson._


	14. Chapter 14

_ 14th March 1899  _

_Well, here I am._

_Haven’t picked up this journal and written for a long while. That’s alright though as it’s been for the best of reasons._

_Just been enjoying my life. Livin’ in the moment and cherishin’ mine and Tilly’s relationship. It’s been- just. How can I put it? Wonderful! Everythin’ I’ve ever hoped for. She’s still been drivin’ me wild and gettin’ me hot and bothered. Ha! Not much has changed on that front, but we still do have our sweet moments like today._

_Got out of camp and just spent most of the day lounging in the grass. Laid down with my head on her lap and her just readin’ one of her books to me. With the occasional break to kiss. In that moment I couldn’t help but think how it’s the happiest I’ve been since well, ever! I really could get used to a life like this with her._

_Had no idea her voice could soothe me so much. Wish we could have stayed like that forever._

_Well. I’m sure we have many more years together to experience such bliss over and over again._

* * *

_  
25th March 1899  _

_So...It completely slipped my mind but Tilly reminded me that I had promised to show her some of my drawin’s._

_*Sigh* The thing is, the reason I clean forgot is because I’ve had a few things on my mind. Found out from Dutch today that he’s goin’ ahead with a score that he’s been obsessin’ about for a few months. Somethin’ about a ferry boat._

_The “Big Score!” *sigh*_

_The one that fool Micah keeps chewin’ his ear off about._

_God, I’ve tried my best not to interact with that man or let him take up space in my thoughts or my journal. He’s been with us for about 6 or 7 months, and I have truly done my utmost to avoid him or even speak of him. Good thing as he creeps me the hell out! Tilly feels the same way too. She told me she don’t feel safe around him and I’ve been keepin’ her at arms length from him. I ain’t lettin’ him anywhere near my girl!_

_Somethin’ not right about that bastard._

_Dutch tried to tell me that I needed to be a part of his little plan to rob this boat comin’ through in the next month or so, but I don’t really want to be. Just don’t feel right._

_I’m hesitant._

_Especially if Micah was involved or leadin’ it. He doesn’t seem to have the calmest head on him._

_Luckily Hosea came to my rescue and backed me up while I was tryin’ to get out of it. Informed Dutch that we still had this scam ongoing and it would make no sense to just abandon it. Not after all our hard work. That it was better if I wasn’t involved in this one. He made him see some sense in that regard I guess. Unfortunately Dutch is too stubborn to completely call off the robbery._

_I swear, all he ever wants is more money. Is that all he cares about?_

_Eventually he agreed and told me to continue with the property scam._

_I’m so grateful for Hosea. For his wisdom, for gettin’ me out of that job, for being a father figure to me. Everythin’._

_At any rate, Tilly remindin’ me about my promise to her came at a perfect time. Spendin’ time with her always clears my mind. Honestly I was lookin’ forward to drawin’ with her. Didn’t waste no time leavin’ the camp and going to a pretty field to be with her._

_I showed her many of my drawin’s. The ones of the animals I came across, the flowers I’d seen, and not to mention the places I’d visited that told a story._

_I was pleasantly surprised when she told me she found my art lovely. I usually only draw for myself and don’t get precious about makin’ it look a certain way. I scribble a lot. So the fact she still loved my drawin’s in all it’s chaos, well somethin’ about it warmed my heart._

_She asked if she could try to draw somethin’ too. Of course she could! I encouraged it actually._

_She settled on wantin’ to draw some flowers. Said she’d be right back and when to go search for some that she wanted to use for the drawin’_

_Somethin’ about her pickin’ them and delicately bringin’ them to her nose to take in their scent captivated me. Couldn’t help it and started drawin’ her in the act. Luckily for me she was quite undecided on which she liked best so I had a bit of time to make it look decent. Ended up with a nice one of her smiling’ while holdin’ a flower and takin’ it in._

_Captured her beauty in the moment. How she always looked through my eyes._

_When she returned she took a peek at my journal and asked what I was sketchin’._

_I just turned it towards her silently. I was a little worried she’d find it to be weird, but she didn’t._

_She genuinely seemed touched. Brought her hand to her chest and everythin’. Asked quietly if that was her. So quietly I barely heard her._

_Told her yes, with not a hint of denial._

_She thought the drawin’ was beautiful. I had to be honest with her and tell her I draw her how I see her._

_As the beautiful woman she is._

_She seemed taken aback a little. Asked if that’s how I truly saw her._

_Told her “Damn right I do!”_

_When she threw herself into my arms and kissed me, I ain’t gonna lie. I felt on top of the world. I was just happy she liked it._

_I told her that I’ve been doin’ it for a long while now. That I had many more drawin’s of her if she’d like to see them. Told me that she would like that._

_So I showed her the ones that framed her beauty and elegance. I- didn’t show her my drawin’s that were more, how can I say? Adult in nature. Didn’t want to ruin the moment with my blatant desires for her. Not that I think it would upset her, but mainly because it was a romantic moment that I wanted to hold on to._

_Actually I think she’d find it pretty funny. How much of a horny mess I was! Ha! No regrets though._

_It took awhile but when we finally got around to her drawin’ the flowers, it was pretty damn good. Lovely, delicate and beautiful. Like her._


	15. Chapter 15

_18th April 1899_

_I’m nervous._

_That sense of dread I’ve been feelin’ for a while ain’t eased up in the slightest._

_Didn’t exactly help then when I tried to talk to Dutch out of doin’ this again, he just dismissed my concerns. Told me that we are goin’ to be very rich soon and that I should relax. That he has this. That we are going to do BOTH jobs._

_End of story._

_I swear the whole conversation just left a heavy feelin’ in my chest. I can’t explain it but it feels, off._

_  
  
_

_I just hope for the love of god that I’m wrong about this, but even so I can’t take no chances. That’s why I decided to take Tilly out for a shootin’ lesson today. Get her familiar with a weapon again._

_I- just can’t shake the feelin’ that some trouble is gonna come our way and... *Sigh* and if that trouble makes its way back to the camp, I just want to make sure folks are protected. That SHE is protected._

_I-I can’t lose her._

_I can’t bare going through pain like that again._

_I can’t._

_I won’t!_

_When I asked her to join me and she saw me carrying a few guns, she joked about whether or not we were about to hunt an elephant or somethin’. She must have seen the desperation in my eyes as she quickly pulled me aside and asked if everythin’ was ok._

_I didn’t want to discuss my fears and doubts in camp._

_Not with people around._

_Not with Micah potentially listenin’._

_I put my hand on her cheek and asked her once again to please come with me._

_The way she gazed up at me and looked deep within my eyes, told me that she understood there was some urgency. That I wouldn’t be actin’ like this without reason. That she trusted me._

_God I wanted to hold her close._

_She just sighed followed by a simple “Ok Arthur.”_

_Didn’t take long for us to leave and find a wide open space for target practice. Had a few broken down walls and rocks to place bottles on to shoot._

_When we arrived I told her of my intentions. That I brought her here to help her get more familiar with using a gun. I explained that Dutch was gettin’ some people prepared for a big robbery. One which really excited him. As well as the fact that it was suggested by that creep Micah. That he seemed to be really tryin’ to sell the idea to him for some reason. It had to mean somethin’._

_It was like as soon as I said that she understood. She just asked if I felt off about it._

_I think she knew the answer._

_I guess she just wanted confirmation of what I was feelin’._

_So I was honest and said yes._

_Told her that I just wanted to ensure she was safe if anything happened and I wasn’t able to be there for her._

_That I needed to know she would be ok._

_She understood what I was tryin’ to say. Guess it was pretty obvious by lookin’ at me. Couldn’t even hold my gaze when-well…_

_I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get a bit caught up in myself._

_*Clears throat*_

_She’s become so precious to me._

_Got startled when I felt her hand rest on my cheek followed by her anglin’ up to kiss me. Such a sweet and delicate kiss._

_When we broke away, we just stood with our foreheads pressed against each other._

_Unmovin’. Comfortin’ each other._

_When she finally spoke. She told me not to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. That it’s not possible to prevent everything._

_She was right, but all I could say was “No. But I can still try.”_

_Just got a soft nod in reply._

_Followed by her asking if we should start._

_Replied with a yes._

_Although my voice came out more strained than I intended._

_We were there until nightfall. I’m sure we’ll be practicing like this for many more days until these jobs come up. I just need to have the peace of mind that she’ll be ok. She’s strong and more than capable but I…I still don’t wanna take no chances._

* * *

_  
  
_

_ 2nd May 1899 _

_God fucking damn it!!_

_Everythin’ that could have gone wrong did!_

_We had to flee and have been on the run for a few weeks! We’ve only had the opportunity to gain a little distance between us and the law in recent days and get some rest, but no doubt they will catch up to us again unless a miracle happens._

_Don’t think we can ever set foot in Blackwater again._

_I don’t know how the hell it started, but all I know was that when me and Hosea returned from our job the place was in a hailstorm of bullets!_

_The rest of the boys clearly seemed to gain the attention of the law. Could hear all the gunshots and shouting from all over town and very likely from even further away._

_Shit!_

_I just knew somethin’ bad was goin’ to happen that day._

_I was all but ready to make my way down to where all the commotion was comin’ from. No doubt they would have benefited from an extra gun, but Hosea stopped me and said we’d probably be best back at camp. In order to help the others get the wagon’s packed and everythin’ prepared to move._

_Not to mention with most of the heavy hitters were part of that goddamn massacre goin’ on in Blackwater, so we’d be needed to ensure the rest of the gang got to safety._

_He had a point and god was I glad I listened to him._

_Hearin’ even more gunshots comin’ from the direction of the camp, startled us into a panic!_

_Don’t think I rode as fast as I could in my life before that moment!_

_I just remember havin’ this awful feelin’ in the pit of my stomach. The same thought racin’ through my head over and over again._

_“Please let her be ok!”_

_It was evident that the commotion we heard before definitely involved the camp. Considerin’ that on route to go and help them we saw some bodies of lawmen lyin’ not too far away. Somethin’ clearly went down and that scared me shitless._

_Saw some more of them ahead of us tryin’ to move up on the rest of the folks at camp. Made sure to take them out before they got too close. Unfortunately more kept comin’ out of the trees, but it seemed like anyone who was handy with a gun was takin’ care of them too as best as they could. Definitely wouldn’t have been easy for them as they were also tryin’ to direct the others to the wagons._

  
  


_When we got there the place was in chaos! Everyone was in disarray._

_Poor Jenny got shot dead before we even arrived.*sigh*_

_She hadn’t been with us very long. I-I never got the chance to talk to her much, but I wish that I did. It’s never easy to see someone go. No matter how long you’ve known them for._

_Poor girl._

_It saddened me to see such a young girl with her whole life ahead of her have it snuffed out. Just like that._

_Lenny- he took it hard later on. I know he was sweet on her._

_Everyone was on the defensive. Just trying to ensure our safety and get us all out of there. It was a mixture of panic, bein’ on edge with guns unholstered and shootin’ at any trouble that came our way. As well as tryin’ to pack essential belongin’s as fast as we could._

_I kept tryin’ to look for Tilly while all this was goin’ on but I just couldn’t catch sight of her properly, with the law continuously showing up!_

_I had to turn my focus on makin’ sure the remainin’ of us got out alive._

_All I could do was focus my attention on pickin’ off anyone I managed to spot comin’ our way._

_I just wanted to see her! To make sure she was safe! I-I thought I saw a glimpse of her dress in the corner of my eye. Walkin’ around the wagon and into the tree lines… but I couldn’t have been sure in that moment if I’m honest with myself._

_God! Everythin’ was hazy._

_So much noise and disruption!_

_Once I bought us a small window of opportunity to get away and saw that they were ready to escape, I asked multiple people in a panicked state if they had seen her._

_Nobody knew where she had gotten to._

_I was scared as hell._

_Another group of lawmen were closin’ in and I needed to find her._

_Hosea told me to go and look for her. That the law men were thinnin’ out and that he could handle gettin’ the rest of them out safely._

_I didn’t waste any damn time to go search._

_I went to where I thought I saw that glimpse of her and I saw red!!_

_One of those bastards had snuck up on her and tackled her. Managed to disarm her of her gun. Clearly with the intention in his mind that he’d make sure to take at least one more of us out for good measure, before we got away._

_Son of a bitch had a goddamn knife to her THROAT!! Was about to kill her!_

_I lunged at that fuckin’ bastard and dragged him the hell off her._

_I was blinded by rage._

_So I beat him senseless._

_Then when I decided that the goddamn piece of shit was havin’ it too easy._

_I pinned him against a tree and put my hands around his neck._

_Held him above my head while I squeezed the life out of him!_

_It wasn’t quick. I made sure he suffered!_

_I kept squeezin’ his throat even after I watched his eyes turn into a blank stare._

_I let the anger of him hurtin’ her consume me so much, that I didn’t hear her repeatedly callin’ my name._

_She had to cry out my name for me to snap outta it. That’s when I finally dropped him._

_I-_

_I rushed over to her to check for any injuries. Held her face in my hands as I asked her if she was ok. If he hurt her badly._

_She just shook her head._

_I tried to hold her. Tried to soothe her. But the poor thing was shakin’ and clearly distressed. Almost like s-s-she was scared of me._

_Oh god…_

_It breaks my heart goddamn. The thought that I scared her after she witnessed what I had done._

_I didn’t get enough time to process what happened between us as the rest of the boys turned up and said we needed to leave and fast!_

_We all got out of there as soon as we could and ended up playin’ this game of cat and mouse we’re in with the law._

_I’ve...I’ve not had the chance to speak with her yet with everythin’ happenin’, but I’m deeply ashamed of the fact that I lost control like that in front of her. That I more than likely terrified her. She couldn’t even look me in the eye._

_That hurt the most._

_I’m too much of a damn coward to talk to her about it too._

_I think I know how it will go down. She’ll finally see me for what I truly am._

_A terrible person._


	16. Chapter 16

_   
15th May 1899  _

_The last few weeks have been god awful._

_We ended up getttin’ chased into the mountains tryin’ to get away from those Pinkerton bastards._

_Only ended up losin’ them thanks to the mother of all snow storms startin’ up! It was crazy! Could hardly see anythin’ that was in front of us._

_If we didn’t end up stuck in a snowed in and abandoned minin’ town I’d have said the storm was a blessin’, but now I’m freezin’ my goddamn balls off!_

_We’re all tired and starvin’. Me and Charles managed to get us all some food to eat, but it’s hardly enough. Especially now that we have ~~two more mouths~~ another mouth to feed. _

_Found a woman who lost her husband to the goddamn O’Driscolls, and a little shit who was one of them (who by the way we AIN’T wastin’ our food on!) after Dutch insisted we raid Colm’s camp and steal his score. Turns out this score is gonna be some train. Don’t even know whether or not it will have a ton of money, but Dutch seems to think Colm always had good leads. I’d rather not do it but I hope it will go smoothly at least, if we are all bein’ dragged into it unwillingly._

_Ain’t hardly had no time to breathe._

_I also ain’t had a chance to talk to Tilly after everythin’ that happened._

_I made sure to check in on her a few times to make sure she was doing ok. That she had some food and warmth. Well, as best as I could give her. I tell myself I’m too busy but honestly I know it ain’t the truth._

_I’m a coward._

_I’ve been avoidin’ her._

_I’ve gotten into a rut of makin’ sure her wellbein’ is looked after and then I scuttle off with my tail between my legs._

_I guess I’m afraid she’ll want to end what we had between us and tell me that she doesn’t know who I am anymore. That I’m not the man she fell for._

_As beautiful as our relationship was to me, I wouldn’t blame her for wantin’ out. I clearly ain’t ready to come to terms with the fact that I fucked up. Possibly lost the only good thing that I had in my miserable life._

  
  
  


_ 1st June 1899 _

_So we robbed that train. Didn’t go entirely smoothly!_

_I may have messed up the dynamite when I attached it...but that ain’t important!_

_Ended up finally movin’ off that god forsaken mountain, after Dutch decided he was satisfied with the fact that he got back at Colm. If you ask me we shouldn’t have robbed the damn thing in the first place!_

_We should’ve just moved on quickly and quietly if you ask me. Not like we couldn’t make more money usin’ simpler methods. Ones that don’t draw no more attention to us._

_Clearly it weren’t nothin’ about needin’ enough funds to find a new place to lie low for Dutch. Just some petty vendetta._

_Nothin’ good ever comes out of revenge._

_We packed up and settled in an area that Hosea recommended called Horseshoe Overlook. I think that’s what he said._

_A place surrounded by some pretty enough country that he used to travel to with Bessie. *Sigh* I imagine he still misses her dearly._

_I still haven’t spoken to Tilly about what she witnessed me do. I mean we’ve spoken but it ain’t been nothin’ deep. Not like it usually is between us._

_I’m workin’ up the nerve to do so but I ain’t progressed very much. Despite me bein’ the one avoidin’ gettin’ close to her again, I do miss her deeply._

_I’ll get to spend some time around her today at least. Her and the other girls mentioned that they were bored as hell and wanted to join me and Uncle in visitin’ this town nearby. Called Valentine or somethin’._

_Grimshaw has been puttin’ them to work for the last 2 weeks or so and I’m more than happy to let them all get a break. They deserve it._

_When Karen and Mary-Beth were askin’ for us to bring them along, I swear I could just feel her eyes on me. She stayed pretty silent for the most part but kept openin’ her mouth like she wanted to say somethin’ to me...but she clearly decided against it._

_I just hope she can enjoy herself with the girls when we go into town, despite me bein’ there. She deserves to be happy._


	17. Chapter 17

_ 2nd June 1899  _

_So… Yesterday was rather eventful._

_I would have preferred if some of those events didn’t happen though. But I guess it helped give me courage and a new perspective now that I think about it._

_Still, if I ever see that bastard again I won’t be so pleasant next time. I guarantee that._

_At the start, everythin’ was fine when we arrived in Valentine. Despite Uncle bein’ the lazy parasite that he is, he did manage to get everyone in high spirits beforehand. I gotta give him that._

_That lovable old fool — I ain’t gonna tell him that to his face though — managed to get the girls to sing and everythin’. Really enjoy themselves like I had hoped. Tilly seemed to be at ease whenever I looked back and glanced at her more than a few times. I just wanted to check she was doin’ alright, but I ain’t goin’ to deny that I also just wanted to catch a glimpse of her beautiful face smilin’ again. I just couldn’t help it._

_I also won’t kid myself about why I got that runaway horse back for that fella._

_I did it to impress her._

_No doubt about that. I still long for her to look at me with admiration in spite of everythin’. I mean it was probably pretty obvious to everyone that I was tryin’ a bit too hard, especially due to the way I was pushin’ out my damn chest now that I think about it._

_Still out here tryin’ to appear more appealin’ to her. Ha!_

_Although I will be honest. I mainly did it to help her feel more comfortable around me and see the softer side of me. So that she could continue smilin’, even if it was faint in comparison to her usual radiant one. There was a hint of sadness in her eyes but the smile was still there nonetheless ._

  
  


_When we all parted ways after we got there, she still seemed to be at relative ease. Her and the rest of the girls headed off into the saloon to go and cause some mischief as Karen not so subtly put it. She told me well and good to hang back so as not to blow their cover._

_I didn’t intend to spoil their fun anyhow so I just agreed and asked them to stay out of trouble, and that me and Uncle would be at the General Store if they needed us._

_Karen ended up wavin’ me off like I was bein’ an annoyin’ little shit in her opinion and proceeded to march them all into the saloon._

_I watched Tilly until I lost sight of her. I don’t think the other girls noticed as they were too excited about bein’ out of the camp and goin’ robbin’, but I took note that she kept lookin’ back at me. It was like she wanted me to follow her. Or she wanted to stay behind with me._

_Like she wanted to talk._

_Now I know she definitely wanted to._

_Me and Uncle walked and talked on the way to the General Store. He bragged and told lies, I insulted him and shot him down, he got offended, I didn’t care… the usual between us._

_It weren’t long before I got what I needed and left him to go sit outside. The man was just gazin’ at a shelf of just THREE different types of whiskey’s like it was the hardest damn choice in his life!_

_I ain’t got time to stand there and watch an old drunk makin' eyes at some booze, like he intended to sweet talk it into fallin' in bed with him._

_I just left him to it._

_Went to sit outside and take in the sights of the town. What little it had to offer. It was still pleasant in a way. That was until he finally decided to join me after a while and I was unfortunately subjected to havin’ to hear all about his failed life expectations. Of course he thought none of these failures were his fault. There always was a reason why he weren’t rich or married to an heiress as he put it._

_I hardly listened to the shit that came out of his mouth if I’m honest. At least I got to share some of that whiskey he was so indecisive about. Only benefit of bein’ around the old man._

_He always has good booze at hand._

_(Wait, how old is he anyway? Better yet what the hell is real name!?)_

_Must have got tired of all the lies as I dozed off. Got woken up by Mary- Beth tellin’ me she found a lead. She seemed pretty excited and sure about it. It sounded promisin’. Said we’d look into it._

_Didn’t take me very long to notice both Tilly and Karen weren’t with her. So I asked where they were._

_She said that Karen had the bright idea that they should take some drunken fella’s they met to a hotel and try to rob them before it went too far, but they’d been gone for a while._

_I couldn’t even hide my uneasiness at that when I questioned why they’d do a thing like that. Near enough blurted it out!_

_Even if it were all just an act for the sake of robbin’ some fools, it still made me feel a certain way. I guess my line of thinkin' was that if Tilly were ready to move on from me, I would want her to have a man treat her with the love and respect she deserves. Not some drunken slob droolin’ all over her._

_Plus, who am I kiddin’, I love her._

_I—I guess it’s natural I’d feel some sort of way regardless of who it was, but I’d still want her to have the best if I couldn’t be the lucky man to be with her._

_Not to mention that I was a bit shaken by that idea of her bein’ in a hotel with someone else, as it would have been confirmation that what we had was finally gone. I’d never stop her from movin’ on if that’s what she decided—but it hurt thinkin’ about the fact that I’d never get to hold her in my arms again or kiss her sweetly the mornin’ after and we’ll into the future._

_Tried my best to hide all the thoughts swirlin’ around in my head and said I’d go and see if they got into trouble. It weren’t like them to disappear for a long while._

_I was just about to walk off when Mary-Beth gave my arm a tap, and nodded over across the street where she said she saw Tilly._

_I watched as some bastard of a man dragged her into an alleyway and pinned her roughly against the wall!_

_I barely heard what Mary-Beth said after that as next thing I knew, I was stormin' in their direction after excusin’ myself from the conversation._

_I saw red again! This time though I tried my damn best to control myself, despite it bein’ hard as hell with what I was witnessin’! It wouldn't have been wise to have a repeat of what happened before with so many people around. We were meant to be lyin’ low after all._

_Plus more importantly I definitely didn’t want to scare Tilly even more than she already was._

_So I simply approached and told that son of a bitch to get his goddamn hands off her. I made sure he knew I was deadly serious due to the tone I used. I weren’t about to almost lose her again. What happened in Blackwater scared the shit out of me!_

_That bastard didn’t seem to get the message though. Must’ve thought he was a tough guy or somethin’. Kept her pinned against the wall, while tryin’ ask me who the hell I was._

_Goddamn coward!_

_I just gritted my teeth but before I could say anythin’ she spoke up. She looked right into my eyes with an expression that was a mixture of love, fear and trust. She responded that we were together._

_My heart skipped a beat when I heard her say that, but I couldn’t let the revelation that she still considered us an item distract me._

_After all that piece of shit still had his damn hands on her._

_So I repeated myself and told him again to get off her._

_He seemed to think I was fuckin’ bluffin’. He finally let go of her and approached me askin’ what exactly I planned to do to stop him…_

_I just took a step forward and got in his face to look that fucker in the eyes, pointed my gun at him and asked if he wanted to find out. I made sure he knew I’d shoot him between the eyes with no hesitation if he didn’t leave her alone and walk away at that very moment._

_Seems he got wise and backed off. Walked off talkin’ about how he didn’t have time for this and tried to threaten Tilly. Tellin’ her she was makin’ a big mistake. I barely heard her tell him to get lost in response. I was too busy keepin’ my eye and gun trained on him. Just in case he decided to do somethin’ stupid. That would be his mistake._

_It wasn’t until I saw that bastard leave on his horse, that I put away my gun and turned to her askin’ if she was alright. Checkin’ her for injuries and holdin’ her face while tellin’ her I was sorry I wasn’t there sooner._

_I asked her what that was all about and who that man was, but she just placed her hand over mine in a comfortin’ manner and told me that it was just someone she used to know and that she’d tell me later when we were alone._

_I respected her decision and just nodded._

_All I could do in that moment was whisper to her to go and wait with Uncle and Mary-Beth and that I will come back for her after I went to go look for Karen. She understood, thanked me and went to go and join them._

_Shouted over to Uncle that he better look after her and that I was goin’ to go and get Karen._

_Unfortunately she didn’t fare much better and also had a goddamn coward put his hands on her._

_He hit her—so I hit him._

_Hard._

_Made short work of that bastard and nearly knocked his head clean off. Makes my blood boil seein’ men hurtin’ women! Only cowards like them and my father do shit like that!_

_Once that was all over and done with I walked with Karen back to where everyone was, and once she was alright my main focus was to get back to Tilly and hopefully arrange some time for us to get together and talk it out._

_Yet again, my plans got ruined when some jittery little shit apparently recognised me from Blackwater. Tried to get him to come over for a minute to have a nice little talk about why he shouldn’t be recognisin’ me, but he got all skittish and took off._

_Annoys me when they run._

_Should keep their goddamn damn eyes closed and mind their own damn business, then they wouldn’t have to run, now would they?_

_Clearly he was goin’ to try and get the law on me which ultimately would lead them back to camp. I was not goin’ to let that piece of shit put us all in danger. Not after everythin’ we already went through, so I told Uncle to take to women back to camp while I dealt with it._

_Before I gave chase all I heard was Tilly askin’ me to be careful. There was somethin’ about the way she said it. I tried to reassure her in what little time I had by tellin’ her I intended to just have a word with him._

_I caught that bastard and did indeed only have a word of him. Some that instilled fear into him, but still words nonetheless._

_Bastard makin’ me chase him all over! I should have knocked out some of his teeth just for the inconvenience!_

_Ah well. He was harmless enough so it would have been spiteful of me._

_Returned to camp completely exhausted. I just wanted to lie down for a little while._

_Before I managed to get to lie down on my bed to rest for a bit Tilly walked over and asked if she could talk to me. I wasn’t about to turn her away so I told her of course she could and scooted over on my bed to make room for her to sit._

_She thanked me for helpin’ her earlier in the day and that she was glad I was there._

_Told her she didn’t need to thank me in the slightest. That I’d never let anyone harm her if I could help it. That I’d always be there for her if she’d allow me._

_I tried to ask her who that fella was that was hasslin’ her, but she waved me off clearly lookin’ exhausted and told me she’d tell me another time. That she didn’t want to talk about that at that moment. I just nodded and said of course while acceptin’ her choice. I didn’t want to pressure her about it. Even if I was dyin’ to know, it was her choice if she wanted to tell me or not._

_After that it didn’t take long for her to get to the topic of me avoidin’ her. I saw so much hurt in her eyes when she asked that crucial question._

_Took me a long while to answer. For the longest time I just sighed and held my head down in shame._

_Told her that I had basically been distant as I let my fear of losin’ her go too far. I had to look her in the eyes just so that she understood the severity of my actions, and tell her that I brutally killed a man in her presence, that I lost control around her and showed myself for the monster that I am. That it hurt my very bein’ knowin' that I scared the livin’ hell out of her and that I thought she’d rightfully want nothin’ more to do with me after witnessin’ how horrible I was. How I easily took another man’s life because of my anger at the sight of her bein’ hurt. That I purposefully made him suffer, and that I’d do it again in a heartbeat if anyone harmed her._

_After admittin’ to her that I was a no good man, I just looked away. In disgust with myself and my actions. Felt like I didn’t have no right to look her in the face no more. She’s a good woman and I don’t deserve her._

_She ended up bringin’ me back to my senses when she held my hand._

_I just looked at her not knowin’ what to say. She still was stickin’ by me despite me tellin’ her what a monstrosity of a man I was?_

_Her eyes were soft and invitin’. Sympathetic even. I didn’t expect that._

_She ended up tellin’ me that she was scared...but not for the reasons I thought._

_She said sure, she was scared she was about to die, but what was the most frightenin’ for her was that she’d never get to see me again or get the chance spend the rest of our lives together. That it would have been all over in an instance. Snuffed out like a candle._

_She was scared for the exact same reasons as me. Losin’ someone she loves with all her heart. Never bein’ able to hold them again._

_Said that she understood why I did it. That it came from a place of fear, and she’d do the same if the roles were reversed._

_I was just speechless for a while. All that damn time thinkin’ she hated my guts and avoidin’ her when all I needed to do was talk to her. Wasted time that could have been spent instead on holdin’ her in my arms, kissin’ her and makin’ love to her._

_What a goddamn fool I am._

_When I finally spoke and told her that I didn’t think the conversation would be going this way, she all but confirmed that I was bein’ a fool but she still loved me._

_Couldn’t help but express my amusement at that one!_

_I missed her._

_We just both sat there laughin’ at the misunderstandin’. Guess it helped us cope with it all, in our own way._

_I got serious after a while and made sure to make a promise to her, that I will always do my best for her and will do what I can to avoid bein’ in dangerous situations too. So that I could always return to her and she wouldn’t have to worry about losin’ me._

_She joked that I better come back to her in one piece every night._

_That prospect alone got my mind goin’. Returnin’ every night to a comfy home, hangin’ up my hat and spendin’ time with my love...it was a beautiful image to say the least._

_Didn’t take me very long to get to thinkin’ about makin’ things legit and gettin’ things movin’ along. I brought up the topic of marriage again. Said to her that I know we discussed it in passin’ but I was officially askin’ her right there and then if she’d marry me._

_Yet again she said yes and that she’d love to spend our lives together. Such love in her eyes when she said that._

_I couldn’t help but kiss her right there and then!_

_Damn if anyone caught a glimpse of us being intimate._

_She had made me the happiest man alive in that moment._

_Discussed with her that once everythin’ was all settled in the gang and they were safe, we could leave it all behind. Live a happy life of a married couple. That I couldn’t guarantee if I’d be able to get her a ring just yet, but I’d get her somethin' as a substitute until I could get one._

_I don’t think she’s noticed that I’ve been aware of the fact that she lost her necklace after Blackwater for quite some time. I would like to get her a new one. Maybe that could be a good substitute for now?_

_Either way I’m delighted at the fact that we are still very much in love, as well as the prospect of marryin’ her. Can’t wait to one day introduce her as Mrs Morgan !_

* * *

  
_ 6th June 1899 _

_So far I’ve kept my promise to Tilly. Strauss wanted me to go and collect some debt from a farmer that likes to preach in Valentine, about givin’ to the poor or somethin’ but I refused. Told him I wasn’t in the market on threatenin’ strugglin’ folks. Never liked doin’ it. Don’t feel right to me and I honestly get tired of havin' to be the strong arm sometimes._

_In fact that debtor was the same man who stopped me in the middle of a fight with some local tough guy. I didn’t want to fight him or anyone for that matter but I had to defend myself and alcohol was involved, so I did what I had to do I guess. Don’t think any of us were thinkin’ straight in that moment though._

_I blame Bill, the moron. Startin’ shit as usual which the rest of us have to clean up. Damn fool._

_Gotta admit, that fella (Tommy I think I heard someone say) could throw a hell of a punch._

_My damn jaw still hurts._

_Anyway Strauss said he ended up sendin’ someone else._

_Sean of all people._

_Guess no one else was comfortable with beatin’ on a defenseless man, so he was forced to try a new approach this time. Sean has a natural talent for gettin’ himself into shit, as well as talkin’ himself out of it. Or even convincin’ other people to do things they normally would think twice about._

_Little shit started braggin’ that he convinced that farmer to dip into his charity funds to help him pay us back. Talkin’ about how skilled he was and that he could talk a dog off a meat wagon. I guess he was right about that. Part of his weird charm. I didn’t think he was tellin’ the truth if I’m honest, until the fella’s family paid up a few days later. Of course he made sure to get in my face all smug and tell me that no violence was used— and then he of course called me “King Arthur”._

_I see I have a reputation. *Sigh* I really need to change that. The beatin’ on people, not the King Arthur thing. God he’s annoyin’ sometimes._

_That farmer didn’t initially seem like that sort of guy to me, usin’ charity money for his personal debts but I guess desperation makes us do dumb and crazy things. I actually feel for the guy and his family. Seein’ people give everythin’ they have or havin' to resort to questionable actions, really makes me despise Strauss’ line of work even more than I already did. Or better yet Strauss himself. He makes my skin crawl._

_I meanwhile spent my time travellin’ around. Managed to find some loot while out. Quite a bit actually! Found it in some cabin that wasn’t occupied, in an area called The Heartlands — I think? I forgot the name._

_Sold a lot of what I found to a fence and used the money from it to buy Tilly a beautiful necklace._

_She loved it!_

_As I helped her put it on, I whispered in her ear that it was a temporary substitute until I got her a ring._

_I gotta admit I pretty shamelessly stood closely behind her. Very close in fact._

_I weren’t mad about rubbin’ up against her. Seemed that neither was she. She just turned around and gave me one of her lil a naughty smiles. God I missed that!_

_She must have realised that it wasn’t the best time to fool around, and stayed on the subject at hand. Told me that a ring weren’t somethin’ she required. That the necklace was more than enough and that she’s just happy bein’ with me. I told her that I wanted to make sure she had one either way. That she deserves nice things._

_We kissed. It was soft, sweet and I loved every second of it._

_As we pulled apart and looked into each other’s eyes, I could only think about how I wanted to spend some time with her. Take her out somewhere and have some fun as we hadn’t been able to do so for a while._

_I suggested to her that maybe we could go somewhere to be alone. Told her about the empty cabin I found earlier and said it was comfortable and private. That we could even spend the night there if she didn’t want to go back to camp and wanted a change of scenery for a while._

_When she said in response that she was waitin’ for me to ask that question, while battin’ her eyelashes at me with that same smile that drove me crazy— I couldn’t stop my mind racin’ at the thought of bein’ with her. The thought of holdin’ her, kissin’ her and makin’ love to her._

_I just stood my mouth wide open for a bit before I asked with a smile, what we were waitin’ for. I just wanted to be alone with her and quick._

_Things didn’t play out the way I expected them to. Not that it was a bad thing at all!_

_I guess I reckoned we’d take our time a bit more, but it was obvious how much we missed each once we walked through that door of the cabin. Clearly we wanted to make up for lost time. Didn’t waste time undressin’ or even talk until after we were done!_

_As soon as I closed that door I was rubbin’ myself on her from behind. Kissin’ and suckin’ on her neck, while one of my hands massaged her breast and pinched on her nipple. Guess my other one had different plans. Found its way under her skirt and helped her ease off her underthin’s._

_My hand had a mind of its own._

_Playin’ between her legs until she started gaspin’ and moanin’ my name._

_God damn! She was so wet!_

_The mixture of hearin’ her moan and havin’ her excitement practically drippin’ down my hand, got me hard beyond belief!_

_It was obvious that she could feel how excited I was, with me bein’ all close and personal like that. Not to mention she knew how damn much she had turned me on, with the way she was rubbin’ her ass all over me. Nearly had me burstin’ outta my pants!_

_She had me groanin’ and rubbin’ myself all over her in response._

_Guess she knew how much I wanted her when she stepped away from me, while gigglin’ and saunterin’ her way over to a cabinet in the corner. Hips swayin’ slowly as I watched in a trance._

_She didn’t even say a word when she bent over that cabinet, lifted her skirt up to her waist, barin’ it all for me to see and looked over her shoulder at me with that same naughty smile I love to see._

_I didn’t need much convincin’ and I was already on my way over to her with my pants undone and positionin’ myself behind her._

_When I pushed into her...my god! I almost forgot how damn amazin’ she felt. Her gasp of excitement and pleasure told me she enjoyed it just much as me._

_Once we got further in we must have really gotten into it, as that cabinet was creakin’ like crazy as I thrust into her. Surprised the damn thing held up as well as it did. The way it sounded I half expected it to just collapse._

_Not that I would have cared. I was too focused on the beautiful sight in front of me. God her ass movin’ like that as I thrust into her wetness was just...fuck it was was hypnotic!_

_The more I watched it dance around, the more I got turned on and sped up my pace._

_The combination of everythin'… Me hearin’ her moan like that and bein' reminded of how wet she actually was due to the sounds I could hear, as well as watchin’ her ass. And for her havin’ me thrust into her harder, faster and deeper as a result...well it’s safe to say that we both couldn’t last much longer._

_We both came intensely. It had been a while._

_Pretty much slumped over her gaspin’ in her ear, while she was equally out of breath and leanin’ back into me. Once we were able to talk again we exchanged affirmations of love and kissed each other deeply. Passionately, even._

_Spent the rest of the night there, just holdin’ and enjoyin’ each other. I love her so damn much._

_We took our time to return back to the camp the next day. Bein’ with each other was all that mattered so they could wait._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> *Disclaimer: Red Dead Redemption 2 and all characters belong to Rockstar Games*


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